MR. PIM PASSES BY 



By A. A. MILNE 




SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th St., New Yor* 



MRS. PARTRIDGE PRESENTS 

Comedy in 3 acts. By Mary Kennedy and Ruth Haw- 
thorne. 6 males, 6 females. Modern costumes. 2 interiors 
Plays 2% hours. 

The characters, scenes and situations are" thoroughly up-t>- 
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:'(8 a woman of tremendous energy, who manages a business — af 
she manages everything — with great success, and at home pre 
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struggle to gfve the children the opportunities she herself had 
missed, and the children's ultimate revolt against her well-meant 
management — that is the basis of the plot. The son who is cast 
lor the part of artist and the daughter who is to go on the stagf- 
offer numerous opportunities for the development of the comi<- 
possibilities in the theme. 

The play is one of the most delightful, yet thought-provokins 
American comedies of recent years, and is warmly recommends' 
to all amateur groups. (Royalty on application.) Price, 75 Cents 



IN THE NEXT ROOM 

Melodrama in 3 acts. By Eleanor Bobson and Harriet 
Ford. 8 males, 3 females. 2 interiors. Modern costumes 
Plays 2 a /4 hours. 

"Philip Vantine has bought a rare copy of an original BouU 
cabinet and ordered it shipped to his New York home from Paris, 
When it arrives it is found to be the original itself, the pos 
session of which is desired by many strange people. Before ths 
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tip, two persons meet mysterious death fooling with it and the- 
happiness of many otherwise happy actors is threatened" (Burn* 
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of suspense, curiosity, comedy and drama. "In the Next Reont' 
is quite easy to stage. It can be unreservedly recommended to 
high schools and colleges. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) 

Price, 16 Cents 



■■■■■■i^^^B^HMaiBaii^BHBaii^i^iB^iaaaaaBnniHBr 

SAMTJBL FRENCH, 25 West 46th Street, New York City 
Onr New Catalogue Will Be gent oa Keeelpc mt Tl-rm Cents. 



THE ACTING EDITION 

OF 

Mr. Pirn Passes By 



A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



BY 

A. A. MILNE 



Copyright, 1921, by A. A. Milne 



All Rights Reserved 

CAUTION : Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned 
that "MR. PIM PASSES BY," being fully protected 
under the copyright laws of the United States of Amer- 
ica, the British Empire, including the Dominion of Can- 
ada, and the other countries of the Copyright Union, is 
subject to a royalty, and anyone presenting the play 
without the consent of the owners or their authorized 
agents will be liable to the penalties by law provided. 
Applications for the Professional and Amateur acting 
rights must be made to Samuel French, 25 West 45th 
Street, New York, N. Y. 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

Publisher 
25 West 45th Street 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



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'MR. PIM PASSES BY" 
All Rights Reserved 






Especial notice should be taken that the possession of this 
book without a valid contract for production first having 
been obtained from the publisher, confers no right or license 
to professionals or amateurs to produce the play publicly or 
in private for gain or charity. 

In its present form this play is dedicated to the reading 
public only, and no performance, representation, production, 
recitation by amateurs, public reading or radio broadcasting 
may be given except by special arrangement with Samuel 
French, 25 West 45th Street, New York. 

This play may be presented by amateurs upon payment of 
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Samuel French, 25 West 45th Street, New York, one week 
before the date when the play is given. 

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Revised Statutes: Title 60, Chap. 3. 



CHARACTERS 



THE ORIGINAL CAST A^ 

George Marden, J.P. 
Olivia (his Wife) 
Dinah (his Niece) 
Lady Marden (his Aunt) 
Brian Strange . 
Carraway Pim . 
Anne .... 



IRE GAIETY THEATRE. MANCHT5STEB 

. Mr. Ben Webster. 

Miss Irene Vanbrugh. 
. Miss Georgette Cohan. 
. Miss Sybil Carlisle. 
. Mr. Philip Easton. 

Mr. Dion Boucicault. 
. Miss Ethel Wellesley. 

The action takes place in the morning-room at Marden House, Buckingham* 
shire, on a day in July 



THE ORIGINAL LONDON CAST AT THE 

George Marden, J.P. 
Olivia (his Wife) 
Dinah (his Niece) 
Lady Marden (his Aunt) 
Brian Strange . 
Carraway Pm . . 

A-NNB • • • • 



NEW THEATRE 

Mr. Ben Webster. 
Miss Irene Vanbrugh. 
Miss Georgette Cohan. 
Miss Ethel Grifius. 
Mr. Leslie Howard. 
Mr. Dion Boucicault. 
Miss Ethel WtUe»U§. 



Produced by the Theatre Guild at the Garrick Theatre, on 
Monday evening, February 28, 1921, with the following cast: 

Anne Peggy Harvey 

Carraway Pim Erskine Sanford 

Dinah Phyllis Povah 

Brian Strange Leonard Mudie 

Olivia Marden Laura Hope Crewes 

George Marden, J. P Dudley Digges 

Lady Marden Helen Westley 



rr 









«-:o« 



«a 



rrr-sr-ss::^'. 



MR. PIM PASSES BY 

ACT I 

Tht morning-room at Marden House {Buckinghamshire) decided more 
than a hundred years ago that it was all right, and has not bothered 
about itself since. Visitors to the house have called ilie result such 
different adjectives as " mellow," " old-fashioned," " charming " — 
even " baronial " and " antique " ; but nobody ever said it was 
*' exciting." Sometimes Olivia wants it to be more exciting, and last 
week she rather let herself go over some new curtains ; she still has the 
rings to put on. It is obvious that the curtains alone will overdo the 
excitement ; they will have to be harmonized with a new carpet and 
cushions. Olivia has her eye on just the things, but one has to go 
carefully with George. What was good enough for his great-great- 
grandfather is good enough for him. However, we can trust Olivia 
to see him through it, although it may take time. 

A scene plot is given at the end of the play. 

There are three ways of coming into the room : by the open windows 
leading from the garden, by the doors to R., or by the staircase from up 
E. Mr. Pim chooses the latter ivay — or rather Anne chooses it for 
him ; and Mr. Pim kindly and inoffensively follows her. She comes 
down steps and crosses to c, followed by Mr. Pim. 

Anne (moves up, looking off l. and returning to Pim r.o.). I'll tell 
Mr. Marden you're here, sir. Mr. Pim, isn't it ? 

Pim (nervously). Yes — er — Mr. Pim — Mr. Carraway Pim. He 
doesn't know me, you understand, but if he could just spare me a 

few moments — er (He fumbles in his pockets.) I gave you that 

letter ? 

Anne. Yes, sir, I'll give it to him. 

Pim (brings out a stamped letter which is not the one he was looking 
for, but which reminds him of something else he has forgotten. Looking 
at letter). Oh ! Dear me i 

Anne. Yes, sir ? 

Pim. Dear me. I ought to have posted this. (Looking at letter.) 
Oh, well, I must send a telegram. You have a telegraph office in the 
village ? 

Anne. Oh, yes, sir. (Moving up to terrace up l. and pointing 
off l.) If you turn to the left when you get outside the gates, it's 

7 



8 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act L 

about a hundred yards down the hill. Turn to the left and down 
the hill. 

Pim. Turn to the left and down the hill. Thank you, thank you. 
Very stupid of me to have forgotten. 

(Anne exits up staircase r.) 

(Mr. Pim wanders about the room humming to himself, and looking at 
the pictures and photos on piano. Then goes out at window up L.) 

(Dinah enters from staircase up R. dancing, and humming the air of 
" Down on the Farm " : she is nineteen, very pretty, very happy, and 
full of boyish high spirits and conversation. She dances to foot of 
stairs, looks off R., then down c. then to piano ; sits and plays a few 
bars and sings " Down on the Farm," rises and moves up to R. of 
piano, and as she does so Pim re-enters from window up l. and they 
come suddenly face to face up back C. below the writing-table. There 
is a slight pause.) 

Dinah (backing a step). Hullo ! 

Pim. You must forgive me, but . . . Good mornin Mrs. 
Marden. 

Dinah. Oh, I say, 7'm not Mrs. Marden. I'm Dinah. 

Pim (with a smile). Then I will say, Good morning, Miss Diana. 

Dinah (reproachfully). Now, look here, if you and I are going 
to be friends, you mustn't do that. Dinah, not Diana. Do remember 
it, there's a good man, because I get so tired of correcting people. 
(Moving down c. to r.) Have you come to stay with us ? (Sits 
on settee r.) 

Pim (following her down). Well, no, Miss — er — Dinah. 

Dinah (nodding). That's right. I can see I shan't have to speak 
to you again. Now tell me your name, and I bet you I get it right 
first time. And do sit down. 

Pim (crossing to l. and sitting on settee l.). Thank you. My name 
is — er — Pim, Carraway Pim 

Dinah. Pim, that's easy. 

Pim. And I have a letter of introduction to your father ■ 

Dinah (rising and crossing to R. of table l.c. and speaking across 
same). Oh, no ; now you're going wrong again, Mr. Pim. George 
isn't my father ; he's my uncle. Uncle George — he doesn't like me 
calling him George. Olivia doesn't mind — I mean she doesn't mind 
being called Olivia, but George is rather touchy. (Sitting on table, 
facing Pim.) You see, he's been my guardian since I was about 
two, and then about five years ago he married a widow called Mrs. 
Telworthy. 

Pim (repeating). Mrs. Telworthy. 

Dinah. That's Olivia — so she became my Aunt Olivia, only she 
lets me drop the Aunt. (Speaking very sharply.) Get that f 

Pim (a little alarmed). I — I think so, Miss Marden. 

Dinah (admiringly). I say, you are quick, Mr. Pim. Well, if 



Act I.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 9 

you take my advice, when you've finished your business with George, 
you will hang about a bit and see if you can't see Olivia. (Rising and 
moving c.) She's simply — {feeling for the word) — devastating. I 
don't wonder George fell in love with her. 

(Moving to above piano r., looking at photos, etc.) 

Pim (rising and looking at his watch and coming a). It's only 
the merest matter of business — just a few words with your uncle — 
Perhaps I'd better . . . 

Dinah (looking at photo on top end of piano). Well, you must please 
yourself, Mr. Pim. I'm just giving you a friendly word of advice. 
Naturally, I was awfully glad to get such a magnificent aunt. (Mov- 
ing down to L. of piano and taking up and looking at photo of Olivia.) 
Because, after all, marriage is rather a toss up, isn't it ? 

Pim (taken aback). Well, I don't know, I haven't had any experi- 
ence . . . 

Dinah (continuing). And George might have gone off with any- 
body. (Moving to Pim.) It's different on the stage, where guardians 
always marry their wards, but George couldn't marry me because 
I'm his niece. Mind you, I don't say that I should have had him, 
because, between ourselves, he's a little bit old-fashioned. 

Pim. So he married — er — Mrs. Marden instead. 

Dinah. Mrs. Telworthy — don't say you've forgotten already, 
just when you were getting so good at names. Mrs. Telworthy. 
(Moves to and sits on settee R.) You see, Olivia married the Telworthy 
man and went to Australia with him, and he drank himself to 
death in the bush, or wherever you drink yourself to death 
out there, and Olivia came home to England, and met my uncle, 
and he fell in love with her and proposed to her — (rises and kneels on 
settee) — and he came into my room that night — I was about fourteen 
— and turned on the light and said, " Dinah, how would you like to 
have a beautiful aunt of your very own ? " (Pim laughs.) And I 
said : " Congratulations, George." (Pim laughs again.) That was 
the first time I called him George. Of course, I'd seen it coming for 
weeks. Telworthy, isn't it a funny name ? 

Pim. Oh, a most curious name — Telworthy. From Australia, 
you say ? 

Dinah. Yes, I always say that he's probably still alive, and will 
turn up here one morning and annoy George. 

Pim (shocked). Oh! 

Dinah. But I'm afraid there's not much chance. 

Pim (shocked). Miss Maiden ! Really ! 

Dinah. Well, of course, I don't really want it to happen, but it 
would be rather exciting. (Crossing to Pim.) Wouldn't it, Mr. 
Pim? 

Pim. Exciting I 

(Pim crosses to below settee l.) 



10 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act I. 

Dinah. However, things like that never seem to occur down 
here, somehow. (Running up into window up R. Pim watches 
her.) There was a hayrick burnt last year about a mile away, but 
that isn't the same, is it ? 

Pim. No, I should say that that was certainly different. 

Dinah (coming to back of table l.c). Of course, something very, 
very wonderful did happen last night. (Backing away.) No, no ! 

I'm not sure if I know you well enough (She looks at him 

hesitatingly.) 

Pim (uncomfortably). Really, Miss Marden, you mustn't. I am 
only a — a passer-by, here to-day and gone to-morrow. You really 
mustn't 

Dinah (looking round and coming down to Pim). And yet there's 
something about you, Mr. Pim, which inspires confidence. 

Pim (moving to L.). Oh, no. Really, you mustn't tell me. 

Dinah (taking his arm). The fact is — (in a stage whisper) — I got 
engaged last night ! 

Pim. Dear me, let me congratulate you. I wish somebody 
would come here. 

Dinah (running up to foot of staircase up R. and looking off). I 
expect that's why George is keeping you such a long time. (Turning 
to Pim.) Brian, my young man, the well-known painter — only 
nobody has ever heard of him — he's smoking a pipe with George in 
the library and asking for his niece's hand. (Coming back to Pim, 
and taking his hands, she dances round with him in a circle.) 

(Pim falh exhausted and coughing on to settee l. and Dinah laughing 
sits on settee R.) 

Dinah. Isn't it exciting ? You're really rather lucky, Mr. Pim 
— I mean being told so soon. Even Olivia doesn't know yet. 

Pim. Yes, yes. I congratulate you, Miss Marden. Perhaps 
.it would be better (About to get up.) 

(Anne comes in from staircase up r. She comes to 0.) 

Anne. Mr. Marden is out at the moment, sir . 

Dinah (disappointed). Oh ! 

Anne (seeing Dinah). Oh, I didn't see you, Miss Dinah ! 
Pim. Out! eh? Dear! Dear! 

Dinah. It's all right, Anne. (Rising.) I'm looking after Mr. 
Pim. 

Anne. Very well, Miss. 

Pim (sotto voce). Out ! Oh, well, I'd better go — 

(Exit Anne up staircase B.) 

Dinah (excitedly). That's me. (Running up to foot of staircase 
and watching Anne off.) They can't discuss me in the library with- 
out breaking down — (coming down r. and imitating George and 
Brian) — bo they're walking up and down outside, and slashing at 



Act L] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 11 

the thistles in order to conceal their emotion. You know. I 
expect Brian {Crossing up to R. of window.) 

Pim {rising, calling). Miss Marden ! Miss Marden ! {Looking 
at his watch.) Yes, I think, Miss Marden, I had better go now and 
return a little later. I have a telegram which I want to send, and 
perhaps by the time I come back your uncle will be able 

Dinah {coming to Pim). Oh, but how disappointing of you, 
when we were getting on together so nicely I And it was just going 
to be your turn to tell me all about yourself. 

Pim. I have really nothing to tell, Miss Marden. I have a letter 
of introduction to your uncle, who in turn will give me, I hope, a 
letter to a certain distinguished man whom it is necessary for me to 
meet. That is all. {Holding out his hand.) And now, Miss Marden, 
I really think I'd better be going. 

Dinah {taking his arm and leading him up stage c. to L.). Oh, I'll 
start you on your way to the post office. 

Pim. Will you ? Now, that's really very kind of you. 

Dinah. No, it isn't. 

Pim. Oh, but it is ! You're a very kind little girl. 

Dinah. I want to know if you're married 

Pim. Oh, no, I'm not married. 

Dinah. — and all that sort of thing. You've got heaps to tell 
me, Mr. Pim. Have you got your hat ? (Pim shows his hat.) Oh 
yes ! That's right. 

(Brian Strange comes in from window up r. He is what Georgh 
calls a damned futuristic painter chap, aged 24. To look at he is 
a very pleasant boy, rather untidily dressed. He is about to tell 
Dinah the result of his interview with George when he catches 
sight of Pim.) 

Then we'll — hullo, here's Brian ! {Crossing below and to his B. 
seizing him.) Brian, this is Mr. Pim ! Mr. Carraway Pim. He's 
been telling me all about himself. 

Pim. I haven't said a word. I never opened my mouth. 

Dinah. It's so interesting. He's just going to send a telegram, 
and then he's coming back again. Mr. Pim — {coyly and moving 
down to head of settee r.) — this is Brian — you know. 

Brian {nodding). How-do-you-do ? 

Pim. How-do-you-do, sir ? 

Dinah {pleadingly and crossing below Brian to Pim). You won't 
mind going to the post office by yourself now, will you ? {Coyly 
moving up to chair by writing-table and nervously kicking her ankle, 
etc.) Because, you see, Brian and I {She looks lovingly at Brian.) 

Pim {moved to sentiment). Miss Dinah and Mr. — er — Brian, I have 
only come into your lives for a moment, and it is probable that I 
shall now pass out of them for ever, but perhaps you will permit an 
old man 

Dinah. Oh, not so old I 



IS MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Aot I. 

i 
Pm (chuckling happily). Not old ? Well, shall we say a middle- 
aged man — (Dinah nods assent. Pim laughs again) — a middle-aged 
man to wish you both every happiness in the years that you have 
before you. (Crossing in front of Dinah, shakes hands with Brian.) 
Good-bye — (shaking hands with Dinah) — good-bye, and thank you so 
much. Oh, I know my way. (Moving up l. and turning to Dinah.) 
Turn to the left and down the hill ? Turn to the left and down the 
hill. 

(Exit Pim up l. Dinah watches him off up l. on terrace and 
Brian up r.) 

Dinah (coming into the room below writing-table to B.C.). Brian, 
he'll get lost if he goes that way. 

Brian (crossing at back of windows and calling after him up l.). 
Round to the left, sir. Yes, that's right. (He comes back into the 
room, crossing down l.c.) Rum old bird. Who is he ? 

Dinah. Darling, you haven't kissed me yet. 

Brian (moving up to her and fulling her down to below settee L.). 
Oh, I say. I oughtn't to, but then one never ought to do the nice 
things. 

Dinah. Why oughtn't you ? 

(They sit on the sofa together — Brian to R., Dinah to L.) 

Brian. Well, we said we'd be good until we'd told your uncle 
and aunt all about it. You see, being a guest in their house 

Dinah. But, darling child, what have you been doing all this 
morning except telling George ? 

Brian. Oh, trying to tell George. 

Dinah (nodding). Yes, of course, there's a difference. 

Brian. I think he guessed there was something up, and he took 
me down to see the pigs — he said he had to see the pigs at once — 
I don't know why ; an appointment perhaps. And we talked about 
pigs all the way, and I couldn't say, " Talking about pigs, I want to 
marry your niece " 

Dinah (with mock indignation). Oh, of course you couldn't. 

Brian. No. Well, you see how it was. And then when we'd 
finished talking about pigs, we started talking to the pigs 

Dinah (eagerly). Oh, how is Arnold ? 

Brian. Arnold . . . ? Oh yes, that's the little black-and-white 
one ? He's very jolly, I believe, but naturally I wasn't thinking 
about him much. I was wondering how to begin. And then 
Lumsden came up, and wanted to talk pig-food, and the atmosphere 
grew less and less romantic, and — and I gradually drifted away. 

Dinah. Oh, poor darling ! Well, we shall have to approach him 
through Olivia. 

Brian. But I always wanted to tell her first; she's so much 
easier. Only you wouldn't let me. 

Dinah. That's your fault. Brian. You would tell Olivia that 
she ought to have orange-and-black curtains in here. 



Act I.J MR PIM PASSES BY. IS 

Brian. But she wants orange-and-black curtains in here. 

Dinah. Yes. (Rising and standing with her back to fire, imitating 
George.) But George says he's not going to have afcy Futuristic 
nonsense in an honest English country house, which has been good 
enough for his father and his grandfather and his great-grandfather, 
and — and all the rest of them. (Kneels on settee.) So there's a sort 
of strained feeling between Olivia and George just now, and if 
Olivia were to — sort of recommend you, well, it wouldn't do you 
much good. 

Brian (looking at her). I see. Of course I know what you want, 
Dinah. 

Dinah. What do I want ? 

Brian. You want a secret engagement 

Dinah. Oh ! 

Brian. And notes left under door-mats 

Dinah. Oh ! 

Brian. And meetings by the withered thor n ■ 

Dinah. Oh ! 

Brian. When all the household is asleep. 

Dinah. Oh ! 

Brian. I know you. 

Dinah. Oh, but it is such fun! I love meeting people by 
withered thorns. 

Brian. Wtll, I'm not going to have it. 

Dinah (childishly, sitting close to him). Oh, George 1 Look at us 
being husbandy ! 

Brian. You babe ! I adore you. (He kisses her and holds her 
hands.) You know, you're rather throwing yourself away on me. 
Do you mind ? 

Dinah (putting her legs wp on settee and reclining her head on his 
shoulder). Not a bit. 

Brian. We shall never be rich, but we shall have lots of fun, and 
meet interesting people, and feel that we're doing something worth 
doing, and not getting paid nearly enough for it, and we can curse 
the Academy together and the British Public, and — oh, it's an 
exciting life. 

Dinah (seeing it). I shall love it. 

Brian (sincerely). I'll make you love it. You shan't be sorry, 
Dinah. 

Dinah. You shan't be sorry either, Brian. 

Brian (looking at her lovingly). Oh, I know I shan't. . . . 
What will Olivia think about it ? Will she be surprised ? 

Dinah. Olivia ? Oh, she's never surprised. She always seems 
to have thought of things about half an hour before they happen. 
George just begins to get hold of them about half an hour after 
they've happened. (Considering him, stroking his hair.) After all, 
there's no reason why George shouldn't like you, darling. 

Brian. I'm not his sort, you know, really. 



14 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act I. 

Dinah. You're more Olivia's sort. Well, we'll tell Olivia this 
morning. 

(Olivia comes in from top of staircase up r.) 

Olivia (coming in). And what are you going to tell Olivia thfo 
morning ? (They jump up and go to her.) 

Dinah. Olivia, darling 

Olivia. Oh, well, I iliink I can guess. 

(Dinah goes to her r. a:id Brian to her l., and they bring her down c.) 

Brian (following). Say you understand, Mrs. Marden. 

Olivia. Mrs. Marden, I am afraid, is a very dense person, Brian, 
but I think if you asked Olivia if she understood 

Brian. Bless you, Olivia. I knew you'd be on our side. 

Dinah. Of course she would. 

Olivia. I don't know if it's usual to kiss an aunt-in-law, Brian, 
but Dinah is such a very special sort of niece that — (she inclines her 
cheek and Brian kisses it). 

Dinah (backing away to r. a little). I say, you are in luck to-day, 
Brian* 

(Brian moves up c laughing.) 

Olivia (crossing below settee l. and up l. to cabinet). And how many 
people have been told the good news 1 

Brian. Nobody yet. 

Dinah. Except Mr. Pirn. 

Brian (crossing down to Dinah). Oh, does he— — 

Olivia (turning as she reaches cabinet up l.). Who's Mr. Pirn t 

Dinah. Oh, he just happened — (Olivia takes curtains and work- 
basket from centre cupboard of cabinet.) — I say, are those the curtains 1 
Then you're going to have them after all ? 

Olivia (with an air of surprise, coining down l., and putting work- 
basket on table l.c. and sitting with curtains). After all what? 
But I decided on them long ago. (To Brian.) You haven't told 
George yet. 

Brian (moving to below stool l.c). I began to, you know, but I 
never got any farther than " Er — there's just — er " 

Dinah (crossing quickly below Olivia and speaking into her face). 
George would talk about pigs all the time. 

Olivia. Well, I suppose you want me to help you. 

Dinah (sitting to l. of Olivia). Oh, do, darling. 

Brian (sits on stool l.c). It would be awfully decent of you. 
Of course, I'm not quite his sort really 

Dinah. You're my sort. 

Brian. But I don't think he objects to me, an d 



Ao» I.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 15 

(George comes in from terrace, a typical, narrow-minded, honest 
country gentleman of forty odd. Brian rises hurriedly and 
crosses to above piano to r. Dinah rises and stands by fireplace. 
Olivia unfolds curtains and prepares to sew.) 

George (at the windows — he does not see Brian). Hullo ! Hullo t 
Hullo ! What's all this about a Mr. Pirn ? Who ia he ? Where 
is he ? (He puts his cap on table, and comes down into room.) I 
had most important business with Lumsden, and the girl comes down 
and cackles about a Mr. Pirn, or Ping, or something. Where did 
I put his card ? (Bringing it out.) Carraway Pirn. Never heard 
of him in my life. (Moves back to writing-table and puts down card.) 

Dinah. He said he had a letter of introduction, Uncle George. 

George. Oh, you saw him, did you ? (Comes down c. to r.) 
Yes, that reminds me, there was a letter — (he brings it out and 
reads it). 

Dinah. He had to send a telegram. He's coming back. 

Olivia. Pass me those scissors, Brian. 

Brian (crossing to above table L.c.). These ? (He passes them.) 

Olivia (giving Brian a nod of encouragement and looking round 
at Dinah). Thank you. 

George (reading). Ah well, a friend of Brymer's. Glad to oblige 
him. Yes, I know the man he wants. Coming back, you say, 
Dinah ? (Dinah nods.) Then I'll be going back too. Send him 
down to the farm, Olivia, when he comes. (Going up meets 
Brian.) Hallo, what happened to you ? (StiU moving up a 
little.) 

Olivia. Don't go, George, there's something we want to talk 
about. I 

(Dinah gives a long whistle. All look sheepish and George notices 

their attitude.) 

George. Hallo, what's this ? 

Brian (quickly and over back of l.c. table to Olivia). Shall I ? 

(Dinah pantomimes. "Yes, do.") 

Olivia (with a roguish look at Dinah). Yes. (Sticks needle in 
work.) 

Brian (stepping out to c.) I've been wanting to tell you all this 
morning, sir, only I didn't seem to have an opportunity of getting 
it out. 

George. Well, what is it ? 

(Brian, taken aback for a moment, looks to Olivia for encouragement. 
She nods approval and turning to Dinah, takes her hand encourag- 
ingly.) 

Brian (boldly). I want to marry Dinah, sir. 

George. You want to marry Dinah ? God bless my soul ! 

Dinah (rushing to him below and to his r. and putting her cheek 



16 MR. PIM PASSES BY. (Ac* L 

against his coat and her hands on his shoulder). Oh, do say you 
like the idea, Uncle George. 

George. Like the idea ! {Taking her hands from his shoulder.) 
Have you heard of this nonsense, Olivia ? 

(Movement of annoyance from Dinah.) 

Olivia. They've just this moment told me, George. I think 
they would be happy together. 

George (crossing to fireplace l., to Brian). And what do you 
propose to be happy together on ? 

Brian (r.c). Well, of course, I know it doesn't amount to much 
at present, but we shan't starve. 

Dlnah. Brian got fifty pounds for a picture last March ! 

George (a little upset by this). Oh ! (Recovering gamely.) And 
how many pictures have you sold since ? 

Brian (gives a nervous look at Olivia and Dinah, who then 
sits on settee r.). Well, none, but 

George. None ! And I don't wonder. Who the devil is going 
to buy pictures with triangular clouds and square sheep ? (Brian, 
diinoyed, moves up R.c.) And they call that Art nowadays ! Good 
God, man (moving up to the windows), go outside and look at the 
clouds ! 

Olivia (busy stitching rings on curtains). If he draws round 
clouds in future, George, will you let him marry Dinah ? 

(George looks round, annoyed. Brian is hopeful and comes down 
towards Dinah.) 

George (upset by this, coming down to head of l.c. table). What 
— what ? Yes, of course, you would be on his side — all this Futur- 
istic nonsense. (Olivia commences to sew.) I'm just taking these 
clouds as an example. (Crossing to Brian.) I suppose I can see 
as well as any man in the county, and I say that clouds aren't 
triangular. 

Brian (ingratiatingly). After all, six, at my age one is naturally 
experimenting, and trying to find one's (with a laugh) — well, it 
Bounds priggish, but one's medium of expression. I shall find out 
what I want to do directly, but I think I shall always be able to 
earn enough to live on. Well, I have for the last three years. 

George. I see, and now you want to experiment with a wife 

Brian. Yes — no — no— — 

Dinah. Yes, you do. 

Brian. Yes. 

George. And you propose to start experimenting with my 
niece ? 

Brian (with a shrug). Well, of course, if you 

Olivia. You could help the experiment, darling, by giving 
Dinah a good allowance until she's twenty-one. 



Act I.] MR. PBf PASSES BY. 17 

George. Help the experiment ! I don't want to help the experi- 
ment. {Crossing up to writing-table.) 

Olivia {apologetically). Oh, I thought you did. 

George. You will talk as if I was made of money. What with 
taxes always going up and rent3 always going down, it's as much 
as we can do to rub along as we are {to back of L.c. table), without 
making allowances to everybody who thinks she wants to get 
married. {To Brian.) And that's thanks to you, my friend. 

Brian {surprised). To me ? 

Olivia. You never told me, darling. What's Brian been 
doing ? 

Dinah {indignantly). He hasn't been doing anything. 

George {round to foot of table l.c). He's one of your Socialists 
who go turning the country upside down. 

Olivia. But even Socialists must get married sometimes. 

George {crossing below Olivia to fireplace). I don't see any 
necessity. 

Olivia. But you'd have nobody to damn after dinner, darling, 
if they all died out. 

Brian {coming a little a). Really, sir, I don't see what my politics 
and my art have got to do with it. I'm perfectly r3ady not to talk 
about either when I'm in your house, and as Dinah doesn't seem to 
object to them 

Dinah {moving towards Brian and championing him). I should 
think she doesn't. 

George. Oh, you can get round the women, I daresay. 

Brian. Well, it's Dinah I want to marry and live with. So 
what it really comes to is that you don't think I can support a 
wife. 

George. Well, if you're going to do it by selling pictures, I don't 
think you can. 

Brian {moving to r. of table l.c). All right, tell me how much 
you want me to earn in a year, and I'll earn it. 

George {hedging). It isn't merely a question of money. I just 
mention that as one thing — one of the important things. (George 
crosses to Brian who backs towards Dinah.) In addition to that, 
I think you are both too young to marry. (Dinah stamps her foot.) 
I don't think you know your own minds (Dinah kneels dejectedly 
on settee r.), and I am not at all persuaded that, with what I venture 
to call your outrageous tastes 

Dinah. Oh ! 

George. You and my niece will live happily together. {Pause. 
Crossing up to writing-table, sits.) Just because she thinks she loves 
you, Dinah may persuade herself now that she agrees with all you 
say and do, but Bhe has been properly brought up in an honest 
English country household — (Dinah throws up her arms and buries 
her face in her hands on piano) and — er — she — well, in short, I cannot 
at all approve of any engagement between you. {Getting up.) 

B 



1% MR. PBI PASSES BY. [Act I. 

Olivia, if this Mr. — er — Pirn comes, I shall be dowu, at the farm 
You might send him along to me. 

(He walks towards the windows up L.) 

Brian (moving up R., followed by Dinah ; indignantly). Is there" 
any reason why I shouldn't marry a girl who has been properly 
brought up ? 

George. I think you know my views, Strange. 
(Dinah, disappointed, crosses down r. again to below table B.C.) 

Olivia. George, wait a moment, dear. We can't quite leave it 
like this. 

George. I have said all I want to say on the subject. 

(Dinah sits on settee r.) 

Olivia. Yes, darling, but I haven't begun to say all that / 
want to say on the subject. 

George (crossing down to bach of table l.c). Of course, if you have 
anything to say, Olivia, I will listen to it ; but I don't know that 
this is quite the time — (Olivia makes a marked movement as she 
is sewing the curtains), or that you have chosen — (looking darkly at 
the curtains) — quite the occupation likely to — er — endear your views 
to me. 

Dinah (mutinously, rising quickly and crossing to stool on which 
she kneels and looks up into George's face and bangs the table). I 
may as well tell you, Uncle George, that I have got a good deal to 
say, too. 

(Brian crosses down to her r., gingerly pulling her sleeve, trying to 

restrain her.) 

Olivia. Yes, darling. I can guess what you are going to say, 
Dinah, and I think you had better keep it for the moment. 

Dinah (meekly, backing to R. below Brian and to l. of table R.C.). 
Yes, Aunt Olivia. 

Olivia. Brian, you might take her outside for a walk. I expect 
you have plenty to talk about. 

(Brian and Dinah move up r.) 

George (following them up). Now mind, Strange, no love-making. 
I put you on your honour about that. 

Brian (looking round dubioudy at Dinah). I'll do my best to 
•void it, sir. 

Dinah (cheekily). May I take his arm if we go up a hill ? 

Olivia. I'm sure you'll know how to behave — both of you. 

Brian (r. of writing-table). Come on, then, Dinah. 

Dinah (following him). Bight-o. 
i 

(They exeunt through windows and off to l.) 



Act I.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 19 

George (as they go). And if you do see any clouds, Strange, take 
a good look at them. (He chuckles to himself.) Triangular clouds — 
I never heard of such nonsense. (He goes back to his chair 
at the writing-table and sits.) Futuristic rubbish. ... Well, 
Olivia ? 

Olivia (sewing curtains). "Well, George I 

George. What are you doing ? 

Olivia. Making curtains — (grunt of disapproval from George) — 
George. Won't they be rather sweet ? Oh, but I fo.got — you 
don't like them. 

George. No. I don't like them, and what is more, I don't 
mean to have them in my house. As I told you yesterday, this is 
the house of a simple country gentleman, and I don't want any 
of these new-fangled ideas in it. 

Olivia. Is marrying for love a new-fangled idea ? 

George. We'll come to that directly. None of you women 
can keep to the point. What I am saying now is that the house of 
my fathers and forefathers is good enough for me. 

Olivia. Do you know, George, I can hear one of your ancestors 
Baying that to his wife in their smelly old cave — (George looks 
up annoyed at her levity) — when the new-fangled idea of building 
houses was first suggested. " The Cave of my Forefathers is good 
enough for " 

George (rising and coming to r. of l.c. table). That's ridiculous. 
Naturally we must have progress. But that's just the point. 
(Indicating the curtains.) I don't call this sort of thing progress. 
It's — ah — retrogression. 

Olivia. Well, anyhow, it's pretty. 

George. There I disagree with you. And I must say once more 
that I will not have them hanging in my house. (Going up R.C.) 

Olivia. Very well, George. (But she goes on working.) 

George (seeing her continuing to sew, stops). That being so, I 
don't see the necessity of going on with them. 

Olivia. Well, I must do something with them now I've got 
the material. 

(George goes up to writing-table, sits and writes.) 

I thought perhaps I could sell them when they're finished — as we're 
bo poor. 

George (turns to her with surprised look). What do you mean — 
bo poor ? 

Olivia. Well, you said just now that you couldn't give Dinah 
an allowance because rents had gone down. 

George (annoyed). Confound it, Olivia ! Keep to the point ! 
We'll talk about Dinah's affairs directly. We're discussing our own 
affairs at the moment. 

Olivia. But what is there to discuss, dear ? 

George. Well, those ridiculous things. 



20 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act L 

Olivia. But we've finished that. You've said you wouldn't 
have them hanging in your house, and I've said, " Very well, George." 
— (George is again annoyed.) — Now we can go on to Dinah and 
Brian. 

George {shouting). But put these beastly things away. 

Olivia (rising and gathering up the curtains). Very well, George. 

(Going up L. she places the curtains on the cabinet.) 

George (waits impatiently until she has put them away on top of 
cabinet). Ah ! That's better. 

(Olivia comes to table l.c, closes her workbox and then crosses down 

to settee R.) 

George (rising and crossing down to Olivia and placing arms 
lovingly on her shoulder). Now look here, Olivia, old girl, you've 
been a jolly good wife to me — {lakes his arms from her shoulder) — 
and we don't often have rows, and if I've been rude to you about 
this — lost my temper a bit perhaps, what ? — I'll 6ay I'm sorry. 
May I have a kiss ? 

Olivia (holding up her face). George, darling ! (He kisses her.) 
Do you love me ? 

George. You know I do, old girl. 

Olivia. As much as Brian loves Dinah ? 

George (stiffly, taking her hands from his shoulders). I've sail all 
I want to say about that. (He goes away from her to l.) 

Olivia. Oh, but there must be lots you want to say and perhaps 
don't like to. (Sits on settee R.) Do tell me, darling. 

George (coming back to a). What it comes to is this. I con- 
sider that Dinah is too young to choose a husband for herself, and 
that Strange isn't the husband I should choose for her. 

Olivia. You were calling him Brian yesterday. 

George. Yesterday I regarded him as a boy, now he wants 
me to look upon him as a man. 

Olivia. He's twenty-four. 

George. Yes, and Dinah's nineteen. Ridiculous. (Crossing up 
to smoking-table up R., and filling his pipe which he finds on table.) 

Olivia. If he'd been a Conservative, and thought that clouds 
were round, I suppose he'd have seemed older, somehow. 

George. That's a different point altogether. That has nothing 
to do with his age. 

Olivia (innocently). Oh, I thought it had. 

George (crossing down c. stuffing tobacco into his pipe). What I 
am objecting to is these ridiculously early marriages before either 
party knows its own mind, much less the mind of the other party. 
(Moving to fireplace looking for a match.) Such marriages invariably 
lead to unhappiness. 

Olivia. Of course, my first marriage wasn't a happy one. 

George. As you know, Olivia, I dislike speaking about your 



Act I.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 21 

first marriage at all — {takes a match from table down l. Olivia 
rises slowly and goes up to R. of writing-table) — and I had no 
intention of bringing it up now, but since you mention it — well, 
there's a case in point. {Sits on settee L., lighting his pipe.) 

Olivia {looking back at it). When I was eighteen, I was in love. 

George {turning to her). What ? 

Olivia. Or perhaps I only thought I was, and I don't know if 
I should have been happy or not if I had married him. But my 
father made me marry Mr. Jacob Tel worthy. (George looks up 
u* her, annoyed.) And when things were too hot for him in England 
— " too hot for him " — I think that was the expression we used in 
those days — then we went to Australia, and I left him there. {Goes 
slowly down to back of settee l.) And the only happy moment I had 
in all my married life was on the morning when I saw in the papers 
that he was dead. {Leans with her arms over back of settee.) 

George {very uncomfortable yet lovingly taking her hands with his 
left hand). Yes, yes, my dear, I know, I know. You must have 
had a terrible time. I can hardly bear to think about it. My only 
hope is that I have made up to you for it in some degree. {She 
places her left cheek lovingly on his head.) {Dropping her hands.) But 
I don't see what bearing it has upon Dinah's case. 

Olivia. Oh, none, except that my father liked Jacob's political 
opinions and his views on art. {Moving slowly round L.c. table 
to below stool at foot.) I expect that that was why he chose him 
for me. 

George. You seem to think that I wish to choose a husband 
for Dinah. I don't at all. Let her choose whom she likes as long 
as he can support her and there's a chance of their being happy 
together. Now, with regard to this fellow 

Olivia. You mean Brian ? 

George. Well, he's got no money, and he's been brought up in 
quite a different way from Dinah. Dinah may be prepared to 
believe that — er — all cows are blue, and that — er — waves are square, 
but she won't go on believing it for ever. 

Olivia. Neither will Brian. 

George {moving to r. end of settee). Well, that's what I keep 
telling him, only he won't see it. Just as I keep telling you about 
those ridiculous curtains. {Points to cupboard with pipe in right 
hand over his left shoulder.) It seems to me that I am the only 
person in the house with any eyesight left. 

Olivia. Perhaps you are, darling ; but you must let us find 
out our own mistakes for ourselves. {Sits on stool L.c.) At any 
rate, Brian is a gentleman ; he loves Dinah, Dinah loves him ; 
he's earning enough to support himself, and you are earning enough 
to support Dinah. 

George {amazed). What ? 

Olivia. I think it's worth risking, George. 

Gkorge {stiffly). I can only say the whole question demands 



23 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act L 

much more anxious thought than you seem to have given it. You 
say that he is a gentleman. He knows how to behave, I admit; 
but if his morals are as topsy-turvy as his tastes and — er — politics, 

as I've no doubt they are (rising and moving to l.), then — er 

In short, I do not approve of Brian Strange as a husband for my 
niece and ward. (Knocks pipe out down l.) 

Olivia (looking at him thoughtfully). You are a curious mixture, 
George. You were so very unconventional when you married me, 
and you're so very conventional when Brian wants to marry Dinah. 
. . . George Marden to marry the widow of a convict ! 

George (advancing). Convict ! What do you mean ? 

Olivia. Jacob Telworthy, convict — I forget his number— 
Burely I told you all this, dear, when we got engaged % 

George. Never ! 

Olivia. Oh, but I told you how he carelessly put the wrong 
signature to a cheque for a thousand pounds in England ; how he 
made a little mistake about two or three companies he'd promoted 
in Australia ; and how 

George. Yes, yes (crossing slowly to c. below Olivia), but you 
never told me he'd been — er — well — convicted I 

Olivia. What difference does it make ? 

George. My dear Olivia, if you can't see that — a — a — oh, well ! 
f Olivia. Oh ! A convict ! So, you see, we needn't be too 
particular about our niece, need we ? 

George. I think we had better leave your first husband out of 
the conversation altogether. I never wished to refer to him ; 
I never wish to hear about him again. I certainly had not realized 
that he was actually — er — well — convicted for his — <er — (moving to 
writing-table and picking up his cap). 

Olivia. Mistakes. 

George. Well, we needn't go into that. As for this other matter, 
I don't for a moment take it seriously. Dinah is an exceptionally 
pretty girl, and young. Strange is a good-looking boy. (Coming 
down to back of settee l.) If they are attracted to each other, it is 
a mere outward attraction which I am convinced will not lead to any 
lasting happiness. (Olivia is about to protest.) That must be re- 
garded as my last word in the matter, Olivia. If this Mr. — er— 
what was his name, comes, I shall be down at the farm. 

(George goes out by the staircase up r.) 

(Left alone, Olivia rises, goes up c, takes up her curtains again and 
crossing down l. sits on settee, and gets calmly to work upon 
them.) 

(Dinah comes in by the windows from up r. and crosses to l. window at 
back, then seeing Olivia, beckons to Brian and runs down to bach 
of settee to r. of Olivia. Brian enters from up B. t and follows down 
to back of table l.o.) 



Act I.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 23 

Dinah (over back of settee). Finished ? 

Olivia (startled). Oh, no, I've got all these rings to put on. 

Dinah. I meant talking to George. 

Olivia. Oh ! 

Brian. We walked about outsid e 

Dinah. Until we heard him not talking to you any mor e 

Brian. And we didn't kisa each other once. 

Di^ah and Brian (pointing roguishly and with satisfaction at 
Olivia). Ah ! 

Dinah. Brian was very George-like. He wouldn't even let me 
tickle the back of his neck. (She goes suddenly to Olivia and sits 
on her l.) Darling (putting her arms round Olivia and kissing her), 
being George-like is a very nice thing to be — I m e thing for 

other people to be — I mean — oh, you know what I mean. But say 
that he's going to be decent about it. 

Olivia. Of course he is, Dinah. 

Brian (sits on stool l.c, and leans forward eagerly). You mean 
he'll let me come here as — as 

Dinah. As my young man ? 

Olivia. Oh, I think so. 

Dinah (hissing Olivia) . Olivia, you're a wonder. 

(Embraces her round the neck.) 
(Rising and crossing below Brian, touching him on the shoulder.) 

Brian I 

(Crossing to piano, sits and plays five bars of " The Weddivg March," 
rises and crosses at back of Brian to l. of Olivia behind settee.) 

Have you really talked him round ? 
Olivia. I haven't said anything yet. 
Dlnah (very disappointed). Oh ! 

(Brian rises and backs to c.) 

Olivia. But I dare say I shall think of something. 

Brian. Oh ! my lord. 

Dlnah (disappointedly). Oh ! 

Brian (going up a). After all, Dinah, I'm going back to London 
to-morrow 

Dinah (crossing quickly towards Brian). Oh, no, no ! 

Olivia. Now, Dinah. You can be good for one more day, and 
then when Brian isn't here, we'll see what we can do. 

Dinah (placing her hands on Brian's shoulders). Yes, but I 
didn't want him to go back to-morrow. 

Brian (sternly, taking her hands away). Must. Hard work 
before me. (Dlnah moves to back of table l.o.) Earn thousands a 
year. (Going down r. Dinah and Olivia are amused). Paint the 
Mayor and Corporation of Pudsey, life-size, including chains ol 



24 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act L 

office ; paint slice of haddock on plate. Copy Landseer for old 
gentleman in Bayswater. Design antimacassar for middle-aged 
sofa in Streatham. (Sitting and putting his legs up on settee R.) Oh, 
yes. Earn a living for you, Dinah. 

Dinah (giggling). Oh, Brian, you're heavenly. What fun we 
shall have when we're married. 

Brian (with exaggerated dignity). Sir Brian Strange, R.A., if 
you please, Miss Marden. Sir Brian Strange, R.A., writes : " Your 
Sanogene has proved a most excellent tonic. After completing 
the third acre of my Academy picture, ' The Mayor and Corporation 
of Pudsey,' I was completely exhausted, but one bottle of. Sanogene 
revived me. and I finished the remaining seven acres at a single 
Bitting." 

Olivia (rising and looking about her). Brian, find my scissors for 
me. (Sits again.) 

Brian (rising and crossing to o.). Scissors. Sir Brian Strange, 
R.A., looks for scissors. 

(Brian, clasping his hands behind his back, with a very important 
walk, looks first on the top end of piano, then on writing-table at back. 
Dinah playfully follows him round, imitating his walk. Brian 
crosses to cabinet up l. and finds the scissors on top, takes them up 
and in a threatening attitude turns to Dinah, exclaiming, " Ha, ha ! " 
Dinah with a little playful scream backs to chair below writing-table, 
and sits. Holding up scissors.) 

Once more we must record an unqualified success for the eminent 
Academician. (Turning to Olivia and with a bow hands them over 
the back of settee to her.) Your scissors. 

Olivia. Thank you so much. 

Dinah. Come on, Brian, let's go out. I feel open-airy. 

(They go up r.) 

Olivia. Don't be late for lunch, there's good people. Lady 
Marden is coming. 

Dinah. Aunt Juli-ah ! Help ! (She faints in Brian's arms.) 
That means a clean pinafore. Brian, you'll jolly well have to brush 
your hair. 

Brian (feeling it). I suppose there's no time now to go up to 
London and get it cut ? 

(Enter Anne from stairs up r. and comes to foot of staircase, followed 
by Pim, who comes half-way down the stairs.) 

Anne. Mr. Pim ! 

Dinah (delighted). Hullo, Mr. Pim ! (Imitating a down.) Here 
we are again ! You can't get rid of us so easily, you see. 

Pim. I — er — dear Miss Marden (Crosses down to C.) 

Olivia. How-do-you-do, Mr. Pim ? I can't get up, but do 
^come and sit down. (Pim shakes hands with Olivia.) My husband 



Act I.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 25 

will be here in a minute. Anne, send somebody down to the farm 
Anne. I think I heard the Master in the library, madam. 
Olivia. Oh, will you tell him then ? 
Anne. Yes, madam. 

(Anne goes out up staircase.) 

Olivia. You'll stay to lunch, of course, Mr. Pirn t 

Dinah (coming down c. to r.). Oh, do ! 

Pevi. It's very kind of you, Mrs. Marden, but 

Ddjah. Oh, you simply must, Mr. Pirn. You haven't told us 
half enough about yourself yet. I want to hear all about your early 
life. 

Olivia. Dinah ! 

(Dinah sits at piano and plays thirty-two bars of " If you could only 

care.") 

Pim. Oh, we are almost, I might say, old friends, Mrs. Marden. 
(Brian comes down and kneels on settee r., listening to Dinah playing.) 

Dinah. Of course we are. lie knows Brian, too. There's 
more in Mr. Pim than you think. You will stay to lunch, won't 
you ? 

Pim (sits on stool l.c). It's very kind of you to ask me, Mrs. 
Marden, but I am lunching with the Trevors. 

Olivia. Oh, well, you must come to lunch another day. 

Pim. Oh, thank you, thank you. 

Dinah. The reason why we like Mr. Pim so much is that ho 
was the first person to congratulate us. We feel that he is going to 
have a great influence on our lives. 

Plm (to Olivia). I, so to speak, stumbled on the engagement 
this morning, and — er 

Olivia. I see. Children, you must go and tidy yourselves up. 
Run along. 

Brian. Sir Brian and Lady Strange never run ; they walk. 
(Dinah stops playing.) (Offering his r. arm and bowing.) Madam I 
(Dinah curtsies and takes his arm and they go up c.) 

(Dinah takes mincing steps and playfully shakes her hand at Mb. 
Pim, who is amused.) 

Dinah. Au revoir, Mr. Pim. (Dramatically.) We — shall — 
meet — again I 

(Pim laughing heartily, rises and bows.) 

(Brian and Dinah go out through the window up c. to L.) 

Olivia. You must forgive them, Mr. Pim. They're such 
ehildren. And naturally they're rather excited just now. 
. Pim. Oh, naturally, naturally I 



28 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act I. 

Olivia. Of course you won't say anything about their engage- 
ment. We only heard about it five minutes ago, and nothing has 
been settled yet. 

Pim. Of course, of course ! 

(Enter George from staircase up b.) 

George. Ah, Mr. Pim, we meet at last. Sorry to have kept 
you waiting before. (Shaking hands.) How are you ? How are you ? 

Pim. The apology should come from me, Mr. Marden, for having — 
er 

George. Not at all. Very glad to meet you now. Any friend 
of Brymer's. You want a letter to this man Fanshawe ? 

Olivia. Shall I be in your way at all ? 

Pim. Oh, no, no, please don't. 

George. Oh, no. It's only just a question of a letter. Fanshawe 
will put you in the way of seeing all that you want to see. (Crossing 
up to writing-table, sits.) He's a very old friend of mine. (Taking 
a sheet of notepaper and turning in chair to Pim.) You'll stay to 
lunch, of course ? 

Pim. It's very kind of you, but I'm lunching with the Trevors. 
(Sits settee R. and puts down his hat and gloves.) 

George. Ah, well, they 11 look after you all right. Good chap, 
Trevor. 

Pim. Oh, very good . . . very good. (To Olivia.) You see, Mrs. 
Marden, I have only recently arrived from Australia — (Olivia stops 
in her sewing and George looks up) — after travelling about the world 
for some years, and I'm rather out of touch with my — er — fellow- 
workers in London. 

Olivia. I see ! You've been in Australia, Mr. Pim ? 

Pim. Oh, yes, I 

George (after a loud cough). Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Pim. 
I shan't be a moment. 

Pim. Oh, that's all right, thank you. (To Olivia.) Oh, yes, 
I have been in Australia more than once in the last few years. 

Olivia. Really ? I used to live at Sydney many years ago. 
Do you know Sydney at all ? 

Pim. Oh, yes, I was 

George (coughing). H'r'm ! Perhaps I'd better mention that 
you are a friend of the Trevors ? 

Pim. Thank you, thank you. (To Olivia.) Indeed yes, I 
spent several months in Sydney a few years ago. 

Olivia. How cunous! I wonder if we have any friends in 
common there. 

George (coughing and gruffly). Extremely unlikely, I should 
think. Sydney is a very big place. 

Pim. True, true, but the world is a very small place, Mr. Marden. 
I had a remarkable instance of that, coming over on the boat this 
last time. 



Act I.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. VI 

George. Ah ! (Feeling that the conversation is now safe, he 
resumes his letter.) 

Pim. Yes. There was a man I used to employ in Sydney some 
years ago, a bad fellow, I'm afraid, Mrs. Marden, who had been in 
prison for some kind of fraudulent company-promoting and had 
taken to drink and — and so on. 

Olivia. Yes, yes, I understand. 

Pim. Drinking himself to death, I should have said. I gave him 
at the most another year to live. Yet to my amazement the first 
person I saw as I stepped on board the boat that brought me to 
England last week was this fellow. There was no mistaking him. 
I spoke to him, in fact ; we recognized each other. 

(George rises.) 

Olivia. Really ? 

Pim. He was travelling steerage ; we didn't meet again on 
board, and as it happened at Marseilles, this poor fellow — er — now 
what was his name ? A very unusual one. Began with a — a T, 
I think. 

Olivia (with suppressed feeling). Yes, Mr. Pim, yes ? (She puts 
out a hand to George.) 

George (in an undertone, taking her hand). Nonsense, dear 1 

Pim (triumphantly). I've got it ! Tel worthy ! 

Olivia (draws back in settee, overcome). Telworthy ! 

George. Good God I 

Pim (a little surprised at the success of his stortj). An unusual name, 
is it not ? Not a name you could forget when once you had heard 
it. 

Olivia (with feeling, gazing into space with hands clenched). No, 
it is not a name you could forget when once you had heard it. 

George (hastily coming over to Pim). Quite so, Mr. Pim, a most 
remarkable name, a most odd story altogether. Well, well, here's 
your letter — (Pim rises and takes letter) — and if you're sure you 
won't stay to lunch 

Pim. No, thank you. You see, I'm lunching with 

George. With the Trevors, yes. I remember you told me. 
(Taking his arm and hurrying him up c.) I'll just see you on your 
way. . . . (To Olivia, who does not notice Pim holding out his hand 
to say good-bye.) Er — my dear 

Olivia (holding out her hand, but not looking at him). Good-bye, 
Mr. Pim. 

Pim (shaking hands with Olivia). Good-bye, good-bye ! 

George (taking him by the arm up L. towards the windows). This 
way, this way. Quicker for you. 

Pim. Thank you, thank you. 

(Geoege hurries him up c. and he exits to l. Olivia looks into th* 
past and shudders. George comes back to o.) 



28 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Ac* L 

George. Good God ! Telworthy ! (Anne enters from up r. 
and comes to foot of staircase.) Is it possible ? 

(Before Olivia can answer, Lady Marden is announced.) 

Anne. Lady Marden. 

(George crosses down to Olivia and touches her on the shoulder. 
They full themselves together, and Olivia rises and is crossing 
towards c. to greet Lady Marden, who does not appear.) 

Quick Qubtaxh. 



act n 

Scene. — The same scene and furniture with addition ef a camp] 
table and five camp chairs outside on terrace at back centre. Lunch 
is over. Lady Marden's whip and gloves are on writing-table. 

(Anne enters with coffee for five on salver, from double doors b., and w 
about to place it on table l.c. when Olivia, who follows her on, says :) 

Olivia. We'll have coffee on the terrace, Anne. 
Anne. Very good, madam. (Moves up l. and places salver 
on camp table on terrace.) 

(Lady Marden follows Olivia from double doors b. Anne crosses 
at back of windows to r.) 

Olivia. We'll have coffee on the terrace, Aunt Julia. 

(Lady Marden crosses in front of Olivia and up l. through win- 
dows and sits r. at back of camp table. George follows Lady 
Marden, meets Olivia, and both throw up their arms despairingly. 
Olivia crosses up l. through windows and sits to L. of camp table. 
Dinah and Brian follow George on.) 

(Anne exits at doors r.) 

(George turns, and seeing Dinah is annoyed, follows Olivia «p 
l. and sits l. of Lady Marden.) 

Dinah (to Brian). I know Aunt Julia likes a little music. 

(Dinah comes down to piano and takes up small guitar. Brian 
crosses to l., laughing at her. She goes up l. of writing-table, 
playing and singing, and crosses round back of writing-table and 
sits to r. of camp table. Brian follows her and stands with his back 
to windows. George and Lady Marden are annoyed with Dinah's 
playing, and tell her to stop, and she does so. Olivia pours milk 
into Dinah's cup and Brian passes it to her ; she drinks and then 
commences to play again and is stopped by looks from Lady Marden 
and George.) 

Lady Marden (to Dinah). No ! No ! Don't do It I 
Olivia. Your aunt does not like it, dear. 

(George and Olivia want to be alone, so do Brian and Dinah. 
At last Brian murmurs something about a cigarette-case, and catch" 

29 



80 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act II. 

ing Dinah's eye, comes into the room. He leans against the sofa 
down l. and waits for her.) 

Dinah (loudly, as she comes in strumming on guitar). Have you 
found it ? 

Brian. Found what ? 

Dinah (in her ordinary voice, crossing quickly down to Brian). 
That was just for their benefit. I said I'd help you find it. It is 
your cigarette-case we're looking for, isn't it ? 

Brian (taking it out). Yes. Have one 1 

Dinah. No, thank you, darling. (Brian goes up r. to smoking- 
table for a match.) Aunt Juli-ah still thinks it's unladylike. . . . 
Have you ever seen her beagling ? (Comes down to piano, puts 
down instrument.) 

Brian. No. Is that very ladylike ? 

Dinah (sitting on settee R.). Very. ... I say, what has hap- 
pened, do you think ? 

Brian (moving down to back of table r.c). Everything. I love 
you, and you love me. 

Dinah. Silly ! I meant between George and Olivia. Didn't 
you notice them at lunch ? 

Brian (sits on table). I noticed that you seemed to be doing most 
of the talking. But then I've noticed that before sometimes. 
Do you think Olivia and your uncle have quarrelled because of 
us ? 

Dinah. Of course not. George may think he has quarrelled, but 
I'm quite sure Olivia hasn't. No (Dinah beckons to Brian, who 
comes and sits above her), I believe Mr. Pirn's at the bottom of it. 
He's brought some terribly sad news about George's investments. 
(Rising and facing Brian.) The old home will have to be sold up. 

Brian. Good. Then your uncle won't mind your marrying me. 

Dinah (by table above settee r.). Yes, darling, but you must be 
more dramatic about it than that. " George," you must say, with 
tears in your eyes, " I cannot pay off the whole of the mortgage for 
you. I have only two and ninepence ; but at least let me take your 
niece off your hands." Then George will (hitting him on the shoulder) 
thump you on the back and say gruffly (crossing to L.), " You're a 
good fellow, Brian, a damn good fellow," and he'll blow his nose very 
loudly, and say, " Confound this cigar, it won't draw properly." 

Brian {rising and crossing to Dinah). Dinah, you're a heavenly 
idiot. And you've simply got to marry me, uncles or no uncles. 

Dinah. Hush I (She takes his hand and they sit on settee L., hiding 
from others at back). It will have to be " uncles," I'm afraid, be- 
cause, you see, I'm his ward, and I can get sent to Chancery or 
Coventry or somewhere beastly, if I marry without his consent. 
.Haven't you got anybody who objects to your marrying me ? 

Brian. Nobody, thank Heaven. 

Dinah. Well, that's rather disappointing of you. I saw myseU 



Act II.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. SI 

fascinating your aged father at the same time that you were fascin- 
ating George. I should have done it much better than you. A0 
a George- fascinator you aren't very successful, sweetheart. 

Brian {kissing her hand). What am I like as a Dinah- fascinator I 

Dinah. Plus six, darling. 

Brian. Then I'll stick to that and leave George to Olivia. 

Dinah. I expect she'll manage him all right. I have great faith 
in Olivia. But you'll marry me, anyhow, won't you, Brian ? 

Brian. I will. 

Dinah. Even if we have to wait till I'm twenty-one ? 

Brian. Even if we have to wait till you're fifty-one. 

Dinah (holding out her hands to him). Darling I 

Brian (uneasily). I say, don't do that. 

Dinah. Why not ? 

Brian. Well, I promised I wouldn't kiss you. 

Dinah. Oh ! (Rising and crossing to c, watching the others at 
back). Well, you might just send me a kiss. You can look the 
other way as if you didn't know I was here. 

Brian. Like this ? 

(He looks the other way, kisses the tips of his fingers, and flicks it care-} 
lessly in her direction. She pretends to catch it, kissing her own 
hands.) 

Dinah. That was a lovely one. Now here's one coming for' 
you. 

She throws him a kiss. He catches it gracefully and conveys it to 

his mouth.) 

Brian (rising, and with a low bow). Madam, I thank you. 
Dinah (curtsying). Your servant, Mr. Strange. 
Olivia (rising from outside). Dinah ! 

Dinah (jumping up). Hullo 1 (Moving quickly to piano, plays 
"Mickey:') 

(Brian throws away his cigarette and walks to L.) 

(Olivia comes in through the window up l., followed by George anct) 
Lady Marden, the latter a vigorous young woman of sixty odd, who 
always looks as if she were beagling.) 

Olivia (coming down to Dinah above piano). Aunt Julia wants' 
to see the pigs, dear. I wish you'd take her down. I'm rather 
tired, and your uncle has some business to attend to. 

(George sits in chair up o. in front of writing-table.) 

Lady Marden (moving down o.). I've always said that you don't 
take enough exercise, Olivia. (Turning to others.) Look at me—, 
sixty-five and proud of it. (Goes up b. and takes up gloves and 
riding-whip from writing-table.) 



82 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Ac* II. 

Olivia (taking off her coatee). Yes, Aunt Julia, you're wonderful. 
Dinah. How old would Olivia be if she took exercise ? 

(Olivia, smiling, but with an admonishing look at Dinah, comes up B. 
and places her coatee on balustrade.) 

George (from up o.). Don't fool about asking silly questions, 
Dinah. Your aunt hasn't much time. 

Brian. May I come, too, Lady Marden ? 

Lady Marden (coming down centre to Brian). Well, a little 
exercise wouldn't do you any harm, Mr. Strange. You're an artist, 
ain't you ? 

(Dinah stops playing.) 

Brian. Well, I try to paint. 

Dinah (rises and moves to r.c). He sold a picture last March 
lor 

George. Yes, yes, never mind that now. 
i Lady Marden. Yes, unhealthy life. (Going to R. of writing- 
table and crossing at back, turns to Dinah and Brian.) Well, come 
along. 

(She strides out up l., followed by Dinah and Brian, who upset 
George's papers on writing-table as they go. Olivia takes the 
curtains and workbox from c. cupboard of cabinet and comes 
down l.) 

George (looking up and seeing Olivia). Really, Olivia, we've 
got something more important, more vital to us than curtains, to 
discuss, now that we are alone at last. 

Olivia. I wasn't going to discuss them, dear. (Sits.) 

George. Of course, I'm always glad to see Aunt Julia in my 
house, but I wish she hadn't chosen this day of all days to come to 
lunch. 

Olivia. It wasn't Aunt Julia's fault. It was really Mr. Pirn 
who chose the wrong day. 

George (fiercely and rising). Good heavens, is it true ? 

Olivia. About Jacob Telworthy ? 

George. You told me he was dead. (Moving down to l. of 
L.c. table.) You always said that he was dead. 

Olivia. Well, I always thought that he was dead. He was as 
dead as anybody could be. All the papers said he was dead. 

George (scornfulbj). The papers ! (Grossing up to smoking-table 
for his pipe.) 

Olivia (as if this would set'.l U for George). The Times said he 
was dead. There was a paragraph a^ouc him. Apparently even his 
death was fraudulent. 

George (coming down a). Yes, yes, I'm not blaming you, 
Olivia, but what are we going to do, that's the question, what ara 
we going to do ? My God, it's horrible 1 (Grossing to fireplaee.) 



Act II.) MR. PIM PASSES BY. 83 

You've never been married to me at all ! You don't seem to 
understand. 

Olivia. It is a little difficult to realize. You see, it doesn't seem 
to have made any difference to our happiness. 

George. No, that's what's so terrible. (Olivia looks up sur- 
prised.) I mean — well, of course, we were quite innocent in the 
matter. (Sits in arm-chair down l.) But, at the same time, 
nothing can get over the fact that we — we had no right to — to be 
happy. 

Olivia. Would you rather we had been miserable ? 

George. You're Telworthy's wife, that's what you don't seem 
to understand. You're Telworthy's wife. You — er — forgive me, 
Olivia, but it's the horrible truth — you committed bigamy when you 
married me. (In horror, going up l.) Bigamy ! (Coming round 
to c.) 

Olivia. It is an ugly word, isn't it ? 

George. Yes, but you don't understand. (Coming quickly 
down c, sits on stool L.C., facing her.) Look here, Olivia, old girl, the 
whole thing is nonsense, eh ? It isn't your husband, it's some other 
Telworthy that this fellow met. That's right, isn't it ? Some other 
shady swindler who turned up on the boat, eh ? This sort of thing 
doesn't happen to people like us — committing bigamy and all that. 
Some other fellow. 

Olivia (shaking her head). I knew all the shady swindlers in 
Sydney. . . . They came to dinner. . . . There were no others 
called Telworthy. 

George (rising with gesture of despair). Well, what are we going 
to do? 

Olivia. You sent Mr. Pirn away so quickly. He might have 
told us things. Telworthy's plans. Where he is now. You hurried 
him away so quickly. 

George. I've sent a note round to ask him to come back. My 
one idea at the moment was to get him out of the house — to hush 
things up. (Going up to writing-table.) 

Olivia. You can't hush up two husbands. 

George (in despair). You can't. (Sits at writing-table.) Every- 
body will know. Everybody ! 

Olivia. The children, Aunt Julia, they may as well know now 
as later. Mr. Pirn must, of course. 

George. I do not propose to discuss my private affairs with 
Mr. Pirn 

Olivia. But he's mixed himself up in them rather, hasn't he, 
and if you're going to ask him questions 

George. I only propose to ask him one question. I shall ask 
him if he is absolutely certain of this fellow's name. I can do 
that quite easily without letting him know the reason for my 
inquiry. 

Olivia. You couldn't make a mistake about a name like 



54 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act II. 

Telwortby. But he might tell us something about Telworthy's plana. 
Perhaps he's going back to Australia at once. Perhaps he thinks 
I'm dead, too. Perhaps — oh, there are so many things I want to 
know. 

George. Yes, yes, duar. It would be interesting to — that is, one 
naturally wants to know these things, but of course it doesn't make 
any real difference. 

Olivia (surprised). No difference ? 

George (rising and coming down to back of settee l.). Well, that 
is to say, you're as much his wife if he's in Australia as you are if 
be's in England. 

Olivia. I am not his wife at all. (Shaking her head.) Jacob 
Telworthy may be alive, but I am not his wife. I ceased to be his 
wife when I became yours. 

George. You never were my wife. (Annoyed and crossing to r. 
and back again to L.c.) That is the terrible part of it. Our union — 
you make me say it, Olivia — has been unhallowed by the Church. 
Unhallowed even by the Law. Legally, we have been living in — 
living in — well, the point is, how does the Law stand ? I imagine 
that Telworthy could get a — a divorce. . . . Oh, it seems impossible 
that things like this can be happening to us. (Going up c.) 

Olivia. A divorce ? 

George. I — I imagine so. 

Olivia. But then we could really get married, and we shouldn't 
be living in — living in — whatever we were living in before. 

George (coming down to r. of table l.c). I can't understand 
you, Olivia. You talk about it so calmly, as if there was nothing 
blameworthy in being divorced. 

Olivia. Yes, but 

George. As if there was nothing unusual in my marrying a 
divorced woman. 

Olivia. Yes, but 

George. As if there was nothing wrong in our having lived 
together for years without having been married. 

Olivia (placing her hands on table). What seems wrong to me 
is that I lived for five years with a bad man whom I hated. 
What seems right to me is that I lived for five years with a 
good man whom I love. 

George (taking and patting her hands affectionately). Yes, yes, 
my dear, I know. (Drops her hands and moves to c.) But right 
and wrong don't settle themselves as easily as that. We've been 
living together when you were Telworthy's wife. That's wrong. 

Olivia. Do you mean wicked ? 

George. Well, no doubt the Court would consider that we acted 
in perfect innocence 

Olivia. What Court ? 

George. Well, you see, my dear, these things have to be done 
legally, of course. (Moving to r. to settee, thinking it out.) I believe 



Act II.] MR. PBI PASSES BY. 35 

the proper method is a nullity suit, declaring our marriage null and 
— er — void. It would, so to speak, wipe out these years of — er— — 
(Moving back to C.) 

Olivia. Wickedness ? 

George. Of irregilar union, and — er — then 

Olivia. Then I could go back to Jacob. ... Do you really 
mean that, George ? 

George (uneasily). Well, dear, you see — that's how things are 
— one can't get away from — er 

Olivia. What you feel is that Telworthy has the greater claim ! 
You are prepared to — make way for him ? 

Georgj. Both the Church and the Law would say that I had 
no claim at all, I'm afraid. I — I suppose I haven't. 

Olivia. I see. (She holes at him curiously.) Thank you for 
making it so clear, George. 

George. Of course, whether or not you go back to — er — Tel- 
worthy is another matter altogether. (Crossing to fireplace.) That 
would naturally be for you to decide. 

Olivia (cheerfully). For me and Jacko to decide. 

George. Er — Jacko ? 

Olivia. I used to call my first husband — I mean my only husband 
— Jacko. I didn't like the name of Jacob, and Jacko seemed to 
suit him somehow. (Enjoying the joke.) He had very long arms. 
(George is very annoyed.) Poor Jacko. 

George (annoyed). You don't seem to realize that this is not a 
joke, Olivia. 

Olivia (still amused). It may not be a joke, but it w funny, 
isn't it ? 

George. I must say I don't see anything funny in a tragedy that 
has wrecked two lives. 

Olivia. Two ? Oh, but Jacko's life isn't wrecked. It has 
just been miraculously restored to him. And a wife, too. There's 
nothing tragic for Jacko in it. 

George (stiffly). I was referring to our two lives — yours and 
mine. 

Olivia. Yours, George ? Your life isn't wrecked. The Court 
will absolve you of all blame ; your friends will sympathize with 
you, and tell you that I was a designing woman who deliberately 
took you in ; your Aunt Julia 

George (overwrought). Stop it 1 (Crossing over to her.) What 
do you mean ? Have you no heart ? (Olivia gives a little hurt 
cry.) Do you think I want to lose you, Olivia ? (Sits on her l.) 
Do you think I want my home broken up like this ? Haven't you 
been happy with me these last five years ? 

Olivia. Very happy. 

George. Well then, how can you talk like thatt 

Olivia. But you want to send me away. 

George. There you go again. I don't want to. I have hardly 



36 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act II. 

had time to realize just what it will mean to me when you go. The 
fact is I simply daren't realize it. I daren't think about it. 

Olivia. Try thinking about it, George. 

Georoe. And you talk as if I wanted to send you away ! 

Olivia. Try thinking about it, George. 

George. You don't seem to understand that I'm not sending 
you away. You simply aren't mine to keep. 

Olivia. Whose am I ? 

George (dubiously). Your husband's. Telworthy's. 

Olivia (gently). If I belong to anybody but myself, I think I 
belong to you. 

George. Not in the eyes of the Law. Not in the eyes of the 
Church. Not even in the eyes of — er 

Olivia. The County ? 

George (annoyed). I was about to say " Heaven." 

Olivia. Oh ! 

George (rising and crossing below Olivia to a). That this should 
happen to us 1 

(Olivia works in silence. Then she shakes out her curtains.) 

Olivia (looking at them). I do hope Jacko will like these. 

George (turning and seeing curtains). What! You — ■ — (Going 
up to her quickly and taking her by the hands raises her from the settee.) 
Olivia, Olivia, have you no heart ? 

Olivia. Ought you to talk like that to another man's wife ? 

George. Confound it, is this just a joke to you ? 

Olivia. You must forgive me, George ; I am a little over- 
excited — at the thought of returning to Jacob. 

George. Do you want to return to him ? 

Olivia. One wants to do what is right. In the eyes of — er — 
Heaven. 

George. Seeing what sort of a man he is, I have no doubt 
that you could get a separation, supposing that he didn't — er — divorce 
you. I don't know what is best. I must consult my solicitor. 
The whole position has been sprung on us, and — (miserably sits on 
stool l.c.) I don't know, I don't know. I can't take it all in. (Lean- 
ing forward and burying his face in his hands.) 

Olivia. Wouldn't you like to consult your Aunt Julia too ? 
She could tell you what the County — I mean what Heaven really 
thought about it. 

George. Yes, yes. Aunt Julia has plenty of common sense. 
You're quite right, Olivia. This isn't a thing we can keep from the 
family. 

Olivia. Do I still call her Aunt Julia ? 
(Anne comes in from staircase up K. George does not see her, but 
Olivia attracts his attention.) 

George (looking up at Olivia). What ? What ? (Rising and 
crossing up to Anne.) Well, what is it ? 



Act II.] MR PIM PASSES BY. S7 

Anne. Mr. Pirn says he will come down at once, six. 
George. Oh, thank you, thank you. 

(Olivia picks up curtains. Anne goes out up staircase up e.) 

Olivia. George, Mr. Pirn has got to know. 

George. I don't see the necessity. 

Olivia. Not even for me ? When a woman suddenly hears 
that her long-lost husband is restored to her, don't you think she 
wants to ask questions ? Where is he living, and how is he looking, 
and 

George (very angry, going to writing-table, sits). Of course, 
if you are interested in these things 

Olivia. How can I help being ? Don't be so silly, George. 
(Moves up to R. of George with the curtains on her arm.) We must 
know what Jacko 

George (annoyed). I wish you wouldn't call him by that ridicu- 
lous name. 

Olivia. My husband 

George (wincing). Yes, well — your husband ? 

Olivia. Well, we must know his plans — where we can com- 
municate with him, and so on. 

George. I have no wish to communicate with him. 

Olivia. I'm afraid you'll have to, dear. 

George. I don't see the necessity. 

Olivia. Well, you'll want to — to apologize to him for living with 
his wife for so long. (George looks up and round at her nonplussed). 
And as I belong to him, he ought to be told where he can — call 
for me. 

George (after a struggle and scratching his head). You put it in 
a very peculiar way, but I see your point. (With a shudder.) Oh, 
the honible publicity of it all 1 (Turns away and leans on writing- 
table.) 

Olivia (going up to him and comforting him, placing her hands on 
his shoulders). Poor George. Dear, don't think I don't sympathize 
with you. I understand so exactly what you are feeling. The 
publicity ! It's terrible. 

George (miserably and turning in his chair to her). I want to do 
what's right. You believe that, don't you ? 

Olivia. Of course I do. (Taking her hands away.) It's only 
that we don't quite agree as to what is right and what is wrong. 

George. It isn't a question of agreeing. Eight is right, and 
wrong is wrong, all the world over. 

Olivia (with a sad little smile). But more particularly in Bucking- 
hamshire, I think. 

George. If I only considered myself, I should say : " Let us 
pack this man Telworthy back to Australia. He would make no 
claim He would accept money to go away and say nothing about 



38 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act II. 

it." If I consulted simply my own happiness, Olivia, that is what 
I should say. But when I consult — er 

Olivia {with great feeling). Mine ? 

George. My conscience 

Olivia (disappointed). Oh ! 

George. Then I can't do it. (Rises and is going up l.) It's 
wrong. 

Olivia (making her first appeal). Yes; but, George, don't you 
think I'm worth a little 

George (turning round, seeing Dinah coming). H'sh ! Dinah! 
(Moves back to writing-table. Loudly for Dinah's benefit.) Well, 
then I'll write to him and Ah, Dinah, where's Aunt Julia ? 

Dinah (coming in from up L.). We've seen the pigs, and now 
she's discussing the Art of Landseer with Brian. (Crossing in front 
of writing-table to Olivia.) I just came to ask 

Olivia. Dinah, dear, bring Aunt Julia here. And Brian too. 
We have things we want to talk about with you all. 

Dinah. Right-o ! (Moves beck up l.) 

George (outraged). Olivia ! 

Dinah (turning on terrace). What fun ! 

(Olivia goes to table l.c. and picks up her work-box. Exit Dinah l.) 

George. Olivia, you don't seriously suggest that we should 
discuss these things with a child like Dinah and a young man like 
Strange, a mere acquaintance. 

Olivia. Dinah will have to know. I'm very fond of her, George. 
You can't send me away without telling Dinah. And Brian is my 
friend. (Moving to cabinet, puts curtains and work-box on top of 
cabinet.) You have your solicitor and your aunt and your conscience 
to consult — mayn't I even have Brian ? 

George (forgetting). I should have thought that your husband 

Olivia (coming down to l. back erid of settee l.). Yes, but we 
don't know where Jacko is. 

George. I was not referring to — er — Telworthy. 

Olivia. Well then ? 

George. Oh, of course — You — naturally I Oh, this is 

horrible ! (Sits with his face in his hands at writing-table.) 

(Olivia is about to speak to him as Lady Marden enters from up l. 
Lady Marden looks at George, then moves down to centre. 
Dinah follows and comes to l. beck end of settee. "Brian follows 
Dinah and comes to back of table l.c. Olivia moves round to L. 
end of settee l.) 

Olivia [after a pause). George and I have had some rather bad 

news, Aunt Julia. We wanted your advice. Where will you sit ? 

Lady Marden. Thank you, Olivia. I can sit down by myself. 

(She does so, on lower end of settee r., moving cushion away.) 



Act H.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 80 

Olivia (to Dinah). You sit there, my darling. 

(Dinah sits in arm-chair down l. and Olivia on settee L. There is 6 
good pause. All are looking very uncomfortable.) 

Lady Marden. Well, what is it ? 

(Another pause. All are dill looking very uncomfortable.) 

Money, I 6uppose; nobody's safe nowadays. 

(There is another good pause. George looks up hopelessly at Last 
Marden. Brian moves up i ely towards George, who turns 

and gradually raising his head catches sight of Brian and gives him 
a severe look and Brian retreats quickly to back of L.c. table.) 

George (signalling for help). Olivia 

Olivia (after a pause). We've just heard that my first husband it 
■till alive. 

Dinah. Tel worthy ! 

Brian. Good Lord I 

Lady Marden. George! 

Dinah (excitedly). And only this morning I was saying that 
nothing ever happened in this house ! (Rising from arm-chair and 
sitting to l. of Olivia and remorsefully to her.) Darling, I don't mean 
that. Darling one ! 

Lady Marden. What does this mean, George ? I leave you 
for ten minutes — barely ten minutes — to go and look at the pigs, 
and when I come back you tell me that Olivia is a bigamist. 

(Dinah jumps tip and moves to l. of settee l.) 

Brian (indignantly advancing towards Lady Marden). I say 

Olivia (restraining him). H'sh ! 

Brian (to Olivia and taking her hand across table l.c). If this 
is a row, I'm on your side. 

Lady Marden. Well, George? 

George (rising and coming down to Lady Marden). I'm afraid 
it's true, Aunt Julia. (Taking stool from l.c. to c, sits on it. Dinah 
sits in arm-chair down l.) We heard the news just before lunch — 
just before you came. We've only this moment had an opportunity 
of talking about it, of wondering what to do. 

Lady Marden. What was his name — Tel — somethin g 

Olivia. Jacob Telworthy. 

Lady Marden (in amazement). So he's alive still ? 

George. Apparently. There seems to be no doubt about it. 

Lady Marden (to Olivia). Didn't you see him die ? I should 
always want to see my husband die before I married again. Not 
that I approve of second marriages, anyhow. I told you so at the 
time, George. 

Olivia. And me, Aunt Julia. 

Lady Marden. Did I ! Well, I generally say what I think. 



f MR. PDI PASSES BT. [Attar II. 

George. I ought to tell you, Aunt Julia, that no blame attaches 
to Olivia over this. Of that I am perfectly satisfied. It's nobody's 
fault, except 

Last Marden. Except Tel worthy's. He seems to have been 
rather careless. Well, what are you going to do about it 1 

George. That's just it. It's a terrible situation. {With a 
gesture of despair.) There's bound to be so much publicity. Not 
only all this, but— but Telworthy's past. 

Lady Marden. I should have said that it was Telworthy's 
present which was the trouble. Had he a past as well ? 

Olivia. He was a fraudulent company promoter. He went to 
prison a good deal. 

{General consternation. Brian gives a long whistle and goes up.) 

Lady Marden. George, you never told me this ! 

George. I — er 

Olivia. I don't see why he should want to talk about it. 

Dinah {indignantly rising and moving to L. end of settee L.). What's 
it got to do with Olivia, anyhow ? It's not her fault. 

Lady Marden {sarcastically and emphatically). Oh, no, I dare say 
it's mine. 

{There is an uncomfortable, -pause,,) 

Olivia {to George). You wanted to ask Aunt Julia what was 
the right thing to do. 

Brian {crossing down l.c. and bursting out). Good Heavens, what 
is there to do except the one and only thing ? (They all look at 
him and he becomes embarrassed and backs up stage a little.) I'm 
sorry. You don't want me to 

Olivia (taking his hand across table l.c), J do, Brian. 

Lady Marden. Well, go on, Mr. Strange. What would you 
da in George's position 1 

Brian (crosses down to back of table L.c). Do ? Say to the 
woman I loved, " You're mine {bangs table with his fist), and let this 
other damned fellow come and take you from cue if he can ! " And 
he couldn't — how could he ? — not if the woman chose me. 

(Lady Marden gazes at Brian in amazement, George in anger. 
Olivia presses his hand gratefully. He has said what she has been 
waiting — oh, so eagerly — for George to say. George rises and 
foes angrily up to Brian, who defies him. George is subdued 
and moves helplessly up c. followed by Brian, who is still defiant. 
Dinah rises and runs up l. and round back of settee L. and up to 
left of Brian and takes his arm.) 

Dinah {adoringly). Oh, Brian 1 {In a hud whisper.) It is me, 
isn't it, and not Olivia ? 
Brian. You baby, of course ! 
Lady Marden. I'm afraid, Mr. Strange (Dinah with an exclamo- 



Act II.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 41 

tion of annoyance comes down to l. of settee L.), your morals are as 
peculiar as your views on Art. 

Brian (down to back of table L.c). This is not a question of 
morals or of art, it's a question of love. 

Dinah. Hear, hear ! 

Lady Marden (to George). Isn't it that girl's bed- time yet? 

Olivia (to Dinah and taking her hand). We'll let her sit up a 
little longer if she's good. 

Dinah. I will be good, Olivia (aggressively to Lady Marden), 
only I thought anybody, however important a debate was, was 
allowed to say " Hear, hear ! " 

George (coming down a). Really, Olivia, I really think, we 
could discuss this better if Mr. Strange took Dinah out for a walk. 
Strange, if you — er 

Olivia. Tell them what you have settled first, George. 

Lady Marden. Settled ? What is there to be settled ? It 
settles itself. 

George (sadly). That's just it. 

Lady Marden. The marriage must be annulled — is that the 
word, George ? 

George. I presume so. (Sits on stool C.) 

Lady Marden. One's solicitor will know all about that, of 
course. 

Brian. And when the marriage has been annulled, what then ? 

Lady Marden. Presumably Olivia will return to her husband. 

Brian (bitterly to Lady Marden). And that's morality ! As 
expounded by Bishop Landseer ! 

George (angered, rising and facing Brian). I don't know what 
you mean by Bishop Landseer. Morality is acting in accordance 
with the Laws of the Land and the Laws of the Church. I am 
quite prepared to believe that your creed embraces neither marriage 
(Dinah gives a little cry and bangs a cushion on settee angrily) nor 
monogamy, but my creed is different. 

Brian (fiercely). My creed includes both marriage and mono- 
gamy, and monogamy means sticking to the woman you love, as 
long as she wants you. 

Lady Marden (calmly). You suggest that George and Olivia 
should go on living together, although they have never been legally 
married. Bless the man, what do you think the County would say ? 

Brian (scornfully). Does it matter ? 

Dinah. Well, if you really want to know, the men would say, 
" Gad, she's a fine woman ; I don't wonder he sticks to her," and 
the women would say, " I can't think what he sees in her to stick 
to her like that," and they'd both say, " After all, he may be a 
damn fool, but you can't deny he's a sportsman." 

(Lady Marden is very indignant.) 
George (indignantly). Was it for this sort of thing, Olivia, that 



42 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act II. 

you insisted on having Dinah and Mr. Strange in here ? To insult 
me in my own house ? 

Lady Marden. I can't think what young people are coming to 
nowadays. 

Olivia. I think, dear, you and Brian had better go. 

Dinah (getting up). We will go. (Crossing below Olivia and 
putting her knee on stool and looking cheekily up into George's face.) 
But I'm just going to say one thing, Uncle George. Brian and I 
are going to marry each other, and when we are married we'll stick 
to each other, however many of our dead husbands and wives turn 
up ! Come on, Brian. (She goes up c. and through window and 
goes out indignantly, followed by Brian r.) 

(George follows them up.) 

George. Upon my word, this is a pleasant discussion. 

Olivia. I think the discussion is over, George. It is only a 
question of where I shall go, while you are bringing your — what 
sort of suit did you call it ? 

Lady Harden (to George). Nullity suit. I suppose that is 
the best thing ? 

George. It's horrible. (Moving down between stool and Lady 
Marden.) The awful publicity. That it should be happening to 
us, that's what I can't get over. 

Lady Marden. I don't remember anything of the sort in the 
Marden Family before, ever. 

George (absently). Lady Fanny. 

Lady Marden (recollecting). Yes, of course ; but that was two 
hundred years ago. The standards were different then. (Rising 
and going up c. to R.) Besides, it wasn't quite the same, anyhow. 

George (absently). No, it wasn't quite the same. 

Lady Marden (r. of writing-table). No. We shall all feel it. 
Terribly. 

George (his apology). If there were any other way ! Olivia, 
what can I do ? It is the only way, isn't it ? All that that fellow 
said — of course, it sounds very well — but as things are. . . . (Cross- 
ing towards Olivia.) Is there anything in marriage, or isn't there ? 
You believe that there is, don't you ? You aren't one of these 
Socialists. Well, then, can we go on living together when you're 
another man's wife ? It isn't only what people will say, but it is 
wrong, isn't it ? . . . And supposing he doesn't divorce you, are 
we to go on living together, unmarried, for ever ? (Lady Marden 
turns and listens.) Olivia, you seem to think that I'm just thinking 
of the publicity — what people will say. I'm not. I'm not. That 
comes in any way. But I want to do what's right, what's best. 
I don't mean what's best for us, what makes us happiest, I mean 
what's really best, what's rightest. What anybody else would do 
in my place. (Olivia holds out her hands lovingly towards him.) I 
don't know. It's so unfair. You're not my wife at all, but I want 



Act II.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 43 

to do what's right. . . . (Sits foot of table l.c.) Oh, Olivia, Olivia, 
you do understand, don't you ? 

(They have both forgotten Lady Marden. Olivia has never taken 
her eyes off him as he makes his last attempt to convince himself.) 

Olivia (almost tenderly). So very, very well, George. Oh, I 
understand just what you are feeling. And oh, I do so wish that 
you could — (with a little sigh) — but then it wouldn't be George, not 
the George I married — (with a rueful little laugh) — or didn't quite 
marry. 

Lady Marden. I must say, I think you are both talking a little 
wildly. 

Olivia (repeating it, oh, so tenderly). Or didn't — quite — marry. 

(She looks at him with all her heart in her eyes. She is giving him 
his last chance to say " Damn Telworthy ; you're mine ! " He 
rises and crosses to B. He struggles desperately with himself, 
turns to Olivia.) 

George. Olivia ! Olivia ! My darling ! 

(She rises. He crosses to her and takes her in his arms.) 

(Anne enters from double doors R.) 

Anne. Mr. Pirn is here, sir. 

Olivia (prompting him). Mr. Pirn, dear. 

George (emerging from the struggle with an effort). Pirn ? Pirn 1 
Oh, ah, yes, of course. (Crossing up to Anne.) Mr. Pirn. (Looking 
up.) Where have you put him ? 

Olivia. I want to see Mr. Pirn, too, George. 

Lady Marden (coming down c. to R. of table l.c). Who on earth 
is Mr. Pirn ? 

Olivia. Show him in here, Anne. (George comes back to c.) 

Anne. Yes, madam. 

(She goes out double doors r.) 

Olivia. It was Mr. Pirn who told us about my husband. He 
came across with him in the boat, and recognized him as the 
Telworthy he knew in Australia. 

Lady Marden. Oh ! Shall I be in the way ? (Moving down 
to r.c.) 

George. No, no. It doesn't matter, does it, Olivia! 

Olivia. Please stay. 

(Lady Marden sits r. settee.) 

(Anne enters at double doors followed by Mr. Pim.) 

Anne. Mr. Pim. 

George (pulling himself together). Ah, Mr. Piml Very good 
of you to have come. 



44 MR PIM PASSES BY. [Act II. 

Pim. Oh, not at all ! 

George. The fact is — er (It is too much for him ; he looks 

despairingly at Olivia.) 

Olivia. We're bo sorry to trouble you, Mr. Pim. By the 
way, do you know Lady Marden ? 

Pim {centre). No, I haven't the honour. 

George (introducing). My Aunt 1 Mr. Pim. 

(Mr. Pm and Lady Marden bow to each other.) 

Olivia. Do come and sit down, won't you ? (Pm is moving 
to l., turns and bumps into George, who is following him. She 
makes room for him on the sofa next to her.) The fact is, Mr. 
Pim, you gave us rather a surprise this morning, and before 
we had time to realize what it all meant, you had gone. 

Pim. A surprise, Mrs. Marden ? Dear me, not an unpleasant 
one, I hope ? 

Olivia. Well, rather a — surprising one. (Lady Marden coughs.) 

(Pim sits to R. of Olivia, who takes his hat and places it to her l.) 

George (turns to Lady Marden). Olivia, allow me a moment. 
Mr. Pim, you mentioned a man called Telworthy this morning. 
My wife used to (Lady Marden gives a pronounced cough) — that 
is to say, I used to — that is, there are reasons 

Olivia. I think we had better be perfectly frank, George. 

Lady Marden (aggressively). I am sixty- five years of age, Mr. 
Pim, and I can say that I've never had a moment's uneasiness by 
(beating her knee with her hand, stick in left hand) telling the truth. 

(Pim and Lady Marden fix each other with a look. Pim then looks 
at Olivia and George and leans back on settee.) 

Pim (after a desperate effort to keep up with the conversation). 
Oh ! . . . I — er — I'm afraid I am rather at sea. Have I — er — 
left anything unsaid in presenting my credentials to you this 
morning ? 

George^ 
and \ Oh, no! 

Olivia. J 

Pim. This Telworthy whom you mention — I seem to remember 
the uame 

Olivia. Mr. Pim, you told us this morning of a man whom you 
had met on the boat, a man who had come down in the world, whom 
you had known in Sydney. A man called Telworthy. 

Pim (relieved). Ah, yes, yes, of course. (To Olivia.) I did 
say Telworthy, didn't I ? Most curious coincidence, Lady Marden. 
Poor man, poor man I Let me see. it must have been ten years 

•8° 

i George. Just a moment, Mr. Pim. You're quite sure that his 

name was Telworthy 1 



Act II.] MR PBf PASSES BY. 46 

Pm (to George). Telworthy— Telworthy — didn't I say Tel- 
worthy ? Yes, that was it — Telworthy. Poor fellow ! 

Olivia. I'm going to be perfectly frank with you, Mr. Pirn. I 
feel quite sure that I can trust you. 

Pra. Oh, Mrs. Marden! 

Olivia. This man Telworthy whom you met is my husband. 

Put. Your husband ? (He looks in mild surprise at George.) 
Your — er 

Olivia. My first husband. His death was announced six years 
ago. I had left him some years before that, but there seems no 
doubt from your story thai he's still alive. His record — the country 
he comes from — above all, the very unusual name — Telworthy. 
I Pm. Telworthy — yes— certainly a most peculiar name. I 
remember saying bo. Your first husband ? Dear me ! Dear me I 
I George. You. understand, Mr. Pirn, that all this is in absolute 
confidence. 

Pi&f (turning to George). Of course, of course. 

Olivia (pulling his arm, trying to attract his attention). Well, since 
he is my husband, we natorallv want to know something about him. 
Where is he now, for instance? 

Pm (surprised and turning to Olivia). Where is he now! 
But surely J told you I I told you what happened at Marseilles t 

George. At Marseilles ? 

Pm (to George). Yes, yes, poor fellow.it was most unfortunate. 

' "o Lauy Maedek. Olivia again pulls hi- arm, trying to attract 

< i.) You must understand, Lady Marden, that although 

] had met the poor fellow before in Australia, I was never in any way 

in'.imate 

G kg roe (thumping the dtsk). Where is he now, that's what we 
want to know I 

(Mb. Vm turns to him with a start.) 

Hltvia. Please, Mr. Pirn ! 

Pm (to Olivia). Where is he now ! But — but didn't I tell jtm 

• ';■• curious fatality at Marseilles — poor fellow — the fish-bone! 

All. Fish-bone? 

I'im. Yes, yes, a herring, I understand. 

ivia [becomii <? hy tericaV). Do you mean he's dead? 
I*jm. Dead — of course he's dead. He's been dead 
h.rviA (laughing ky ferically). Oh, Mr. Pirn, you — oh, what a 

ii to have — oh, I (But that is all she can say for the 

• t ) 
y M\r'>en. Pull yourself together, Olivia. (To Pm.) So he 
illy is dead this time? 

I'm. Oh, undoubtedly, undoubtedly. A fish-bone lodged \m 
.'. throat. 

(Lady Marden retreats to settee b. again.) 



M MB. PIM PASSES BY. [Act IL 

George (moving up c. to L. window, trying to realize it). Dead ! 
Dead! 

Pim (rising and turning to Olivia, alarmed at her hysteria). Oh, 
but, Mrs. Harden ! 

Olivia. I think you must excuse me, Mr. Pim. (Crossing to o.) 
But a herring ! There's something about a herring 

(George comes quickly to her, very concerned.) 

(Pim is also very concerned.) 

(Turning to George.) Oh, George ! (Shaking her head in a weak 
state of laughter, turns to R. and is about lo hurry out oj the room 
^awards staircase R.) 

Quick Curtajgb, 



act m 

Scene. — The same anti furnture exactly as in Act IL 

(Mb. Pim is below settee L. standing in same -position as at the end 
of Act II. George Marden is in centre of stage and Lady 
Marden is at foot of staircase. Their attitude is the name as 
at the end of Act II, and all are concerned about Olivia's 
hysteria.) 

George. Dead ! Dead ! 

Pim. Oh dear ! Oh dear ! I'm afraid I broke the news 

rather hastily. The double thock of losing one husband and being 
restored to another 

Lady Marden (coming to George). A dispensation of Provi- 
dence, George. One can regard it in no other light. (Moves 
to R. of writing-table.) 

George (coming to Pim). Yes ! Yes ! Well, I'm much obliged 
to you, Mr. Pim, for having come down to us this afternoon, and 
you understand that your news, though tardy, has been very welcome. 
De Mortuis, and so forth. 

(Lady Marden crosses at back of writing-table to L.) 

Pim (sadly repeating). De Mortuis 

George (shaking hands- , i; z\ous to get rid of him). Well, good-bya* 
and again our thanks. 

(Crosses below and to l. of Pim and rings bell below fireplace.) 

Pim (crossing to centre). Not at all. I shouldn't have broken 
the news so hastily. (Catches sight of Lady Marden up L. r and 
with a profound bow.) Good-bye, Lady Marden. 

Lady Marden (equaUy profound,). Good-bye, Mr. Pim. 

Pim. I'm afraid I broke the news too hastily. (Goes to table 
R.C. and takes up George's cap in mistake for his hat and is moving 
towards double-doors where George, noting this, picks up Pim's hat 
from l. of stage where it has been left from previous Act, and crosses 
with it to Pim.) 

George. Mr. Pim, excuse me, but I think this is yours. 

Pem (he takes it arid looks at it closely, comparing it with the cap). 
This isn't my hat at all. (Puts George's cap down on table again.) 

47 



48 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act ITI. 

No, that isn't my hat. (Takes his own hat from George.) This 
is my tat. Good-bye ! (Shakes hands.) Thank you so much. 
{Looking at cap on table.) Oh, no ! Oh, no ! (Moves nearer to door 
b.) Tel worthy ... I think that was the name. 

(Exit doors r.) 

(Lady Marden, annoyed at Pim's stupidity, comes down to L. of 

George.) 

George (turning to Lady Marden and with a sigh of thankfulness). 
Well, this is wonderful news, Aunt Julia. 

Lady Marden. Most providential. Well, I must be getting 
along now, George. Say good-bye to Olivia for me. 

George (crossing towards double-doors as if to open them). Good- 
bye, Aunt Julia. 

Lady Marden. No ! No f I'll "go this way — (going up to l. of 
writing-table) — and get Olivia out more, George. I don't like these 
hysterics. (Banging writing-table.) You want to be firmer with 
her. 

George. Yes ! Yes 1 Good-bye. 

Lady Marden (going off up l.). Good-bye. 

George (back again down centre and with great thankfulness). 
Dead ! Dead ! (Moves down to below settee l.) 

(Olivia enters from staircase, watching him and coming quietly 

to c.) 

George (approaching her enthusiastically). Olivia 1 Olivia I (Is 
about to embrace her, but she restrains him.) 

Olivia (drawing herself up). Mrs. Telworthy 1 

George (taken aback). What? Olivia! I — I don't understand. 

Olivia. Well, darling, if my husband only died at Marseilles a 
few days ago 

George (scratching his head). Yes, I see — I see. Well, we can 
soon put that right. (Moving to i.) A registry office in London. 
Better go up this afternoon. We can't do these things too quickly 
— we can stay at an hotel. 

Olivia (pointedly). You and Mrs. Telworthy ! (Moves slowly 
round back of settee l.) 

(George moves to centre.) 

George (nonplussed). Oh — er — yes — yes — perhaps I'd better 
stay at my Club— yes ! It will be a bit awkward at first. (With a 
s*qh of relief.) However, nobody need know, and how much better 
than what we feared ! 

(Olivia comes down to below settee L.) 

George (advancing to embrace her). Olivia ! Olivia I 

(She repulses him and he crosses to her h.) 



Act in.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 49 

Olivia. Mrs. Telworthy 1 

George. Yes — yes, I know, but why do you keep on saying it 1 
What's the matter with you ? You're bo strange today. You're 
not like the Olivia I know. 

Olivia (sits on settee to b.). Perhaps you don't know me so very 
well, after all. 

George (sitting — affectionately to her l.). Oh, that's nonsense — 
old girl. You're just my Olivia. Now we can get married again 
quietly and nobody will be any the worse. 

Olivia. Married again ! Oh, I see, you want me to marry you at 
a registry office to-morrow ? 

George. If we can arrange it by then. (Rising and crossing 
below Olivia to centre.) I don't know how long these things take, 
but I should imagine there would be no difficulty. 

Olivia. Oh, no, I think that part of it ought to be quite easy.] 
But (She hesitates.) 

George. But what ? 

Olivia. Well, if you want to marry me to-morrow, George, 
oughtn't you to propose to me first ? f 

George (amazed). Propose ? 

Olivia. Yes. It is usual, isn't it, to propose to a person before 
you marry her I And— and we want to do the usual thing, don't 
we % 

George (upset). But you — I mean we 

Olivia. You are George Marden, I am Olivia Telworthy, you 
are attracted by me and think I would make you a good wife, and 
you want to marry me — very well, then, naturally you propose to 
me first. 

George (falling into the humour of it, as he thinks, and with a hearty 
laugh moves to helow stool l.c). The baby 1 Did she want to be 
proposed to all over again ? 

Olivia (coyly). Well, she did rather. 

George (rather fancying himself as an actor, he adopts what he 
considers to be an appropriate attitude). She shall then. Er — ah, 
Mrs. Telworthy, I have long admired you in silence, and the time 
has now come to put my admiration into words (but apparently he 
finds a difficulty) — er — er 

Olivia (looking up at him quizzically and prompting him into 

words ; repeating). I — I (Looking down coyly.) Oh, Mr. 

Marden 1 

(George roars with laughter and crosses to centre.) 

George (returning to her). Olivia — er — may I call you Olivia t 
Olivia. Yes, George. 

(Olivia puts out her hand and George notices it.) 

George. I beg your pardon ! Oh, I see. (Taking her hand in 

his he gives it a good slap and she winces.) Olivia, I (Hesitates.) 

D 



80 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act HI. 

Olivia. I don't want to interrupt, but oughtn't you to be on 
your knees ? It is — usual, I believe. 

George. Really, Olivia, you must allow me to manage my own 
proposal in my own way. 

Olivia (meekly — and resuming her coyness). I'm scrry. Do 
go on. , 

George. Well — er — confound it, Olivia, I love you. Will you 
marry me ? 

Olivia. Thank you, George, I will think it over. 

George (laughing). Silly girl. (Pats her on the shoulder and 
crosses to R.) Well, then, to morrow morning. No wedding cake, 
I'm afraid, Olivia. (He laughs again and moves up centre.) But 
we'll go and have a good lunch somewhere. 

Olivia. I will think it over, George. 

George (good-humouredly and coming down to back of settee to her 
B.). Well, give me a kiss while you're thinking. 

Olivia. I'm afraid you mustn't kiss me until we are actually 
engaged. 

George {laughing uneasily, and sitting and leaning over on table 
L.c. towards Olivia). Oh, we needn't take it as seriously as all that. 

Olivia. But a woman must take a proposal seriously. 

George (a little alarmed at last). What do you mean ? 

Olivia. Well, what I mean is that the whole qucovioL — (with 
a sly look at George) — as I heard somebody say once, demands 
much more anxious thought than either of us has given it. These 
hasty marriages 

George (ridng and crossing at back of Olivia round settee and to 
L. of Olivia). Hasty ! 

Olivia. Well, you've only just proposed to me, and you want 
me to marry you to-morrow. 

George. Now you're talking perfect nonsense, Olivia. You 
know quite well that our case is utterly different from — well — from 
any other. 

Olivia. All the same, one must ask oneself questions. With 
a young girl like — well, with a young girl — love may well seem to 
be all that matters. But with a woman of my age it is different. 
I have to ask myself whether you can afford to support a wife. 

George. You know perfectly well that I can afford to support 
a wife as my wife should be supported. 

Olivia. Oh, I am glad. Then your income — you are not really 
worried about that at all ? 

George (stiffly). You know perfectly well what my income is. 
I see no reason for anxiety, in the future. 

Olivia. Ah, very well, then we needn't think about it any more. 

George. You know I can't make out what you're up to. (Sits 
to her l. on settee.) Don't you want to get married — to — er — legalize 
this extraordinary situation in which we are placed ? 

Olivia. I must consider the whole question very carefully. I 



Act ni.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 51 

can't just jump at the very first offer I have had since my husband 
died. (Ribing and crossing to centre.) 

George. Oh, so I'm under consideration, eh ? 

Olivia (moving up r.c.). Every 6uitor is. 

George. Oh, very well, go on ! Go on ! 

Olivia. Well then, there's your niece. You have a niece living 
with you. Of course Dinah is a delightful girl, but one doesn't 
like marrying into a household where there's another grown- 
up woman. But perhaps she will be getting married herself 
soon. 

George. I see no prospect of it. 

Olivia. It would make it so much easier, George, if she 
did. 

George (rising). Is this a threat, Olivia ? (Crossing up to 
Olivia.) Are you telling me that if I do not allow young Strange 
to marry Dinah, you will not marry me ? 

Olivia. A threat ? Oh, no, George. But I was just wondering 
if you love me as much as Brian loves Dinah. You do love me? 

George (from his heart). Of course I do, old girl. 

Olivia. You're sure it's not just my pretty face that attracts 
you. Love which is based upon mere outward appearances cannot 
result in lasting happiness — as one of our thinkers has observed. 
(Moving down to settee R.) 

George. Why should you doubt my love ? You can't pretend 
that we haven't been happy together. (Olivia sits on settee r.) 
I've — (taking a chair from L. of table R.c. brings it down to L. of Olivia) 
— I've been a good pal to you, eh ? We — we suit each other, old 
girl. 

Olivia. Do we ? 

George (sitting). Well, of course we do. 

Olivia. I wonder. When two people of our age think of getting 
married, one wants to be quite sure that there is real community 
of ideas between them. Supposing that after we have been married 
some years we found ourselves getting estranged from each other 
upon such questions as Dinah's future, or the comparatively trivial 
matter like the right colour for a curtain, or the advice to be given 
to a friend who had innocently contracted a bigamous marriage. 
Think how bitterly we should regret our hasty plunge into a matri- 
mony which was no true partnership, whether of tastes or ideas or 
even of consciences. (With a sigh.) Ah me 1 

George (turning to her quickly). Unfortunately for your argu- 
ment, Olivia, I can answer you out of your own mouth. You 
Beem to have — (laughing) — forgotten what you said this morning 
in the case of — er — young Strange. 

Olivia (with exaggerated reproach) . Oh, but is it quite fair, George, 
to drag up what was said this morning f 

George (enjoying his apparent success). Ha ha I You've brought 
it on yourself. 

D* 



62 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act EEL] 

Olivia. I ? . . . Well, and what did I say this morning ? 

George. You said that it was quite enough that Strange was a 
gentleman and in love with Dinah for me to let them marry each 
other. 

Olivia. Oh ! But is that enough, George ? 

George (triumphantly). Well, you said so. 

Olivia (meekly). Well, George, if you think so too, I'm quite 
willing to risk it. 

George (kindly, rising and putting back chair up r.c). Ha ha, my 
dear ! You see ! 

Olivia. Then you do think it's enough ? 

George. I — er — yes, yes, I — I think so. 

Olivia (rising and going to him and putting her hands on his 
shoulders). My darling one 1 How jolly I Then we can have a 
double wedding. 

George (astonished). A double one I 

Olivia. Yes, you and me, Brian and Dinah. 

George (firmly, and taking her hands from his shoulders). Now 
look here, Olivia, understand once and for all, I am not to be black- 
mailed into giving my consent to Dinah's engagement. Neither 
blackmailed nor tricked.. (Crossing to l. below settee.) Our marriage 
has nothing whatever to do with Dinah's. 

Olivia. No, dear, I quite understand. They may take place 
about the same time, but they have nothing whatever to do with 
each other. 

George (sits on foot of table l.c). I see no prospect of Dinah's 
marriage taking place for many years. 

Olivia. No, dear, that was what I said. 

George (not understanding for the moment). You said 1 I 

see. (Turning and facing her.) Now look here, Olivia, let us have 
this perfectly clear. You apparently insist on treating my— ex — 
proposal as serious. 

Olivia (mock surprise). But isn't it ? Have you been trifling 
with me ? 

George. You know perfectly well what I mean. You treat it 
as an ordinary proposal for a man to a woman who have never 
been anything to each other before. Very well then, will you kindly 
tell me what you propose to do if you decide to — ah — accept me ? 
You do not suggest that we should go on living together — unmarried ? 

Olivia (shocked). Of course not, George ! ! What would — (pausing 
for additional explanation) — the County — I mean Heaven — I mean 
the Law — I mean — of course not. Besides, it's so unnecessary. If 
I decide to accept you, of course I shall marry you. 

GeorGS. Quite so. And if you — ah — decide to refuse me, what 
will you do ? 

Olivia. Nothing. 

George. Meaning by that ! 

Olivia, Just that, George. I shall stay here — just as before. 



Act DX] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 63 

(George rises and approaches her, about to expostulate.) 

I like this house. (Crossing below George, looking about the room 
to below settee l.) It wants a little redecorating, but I do like it, 
George. . . Yes, I shall be perfectly happy here I (Sits on 
settee.) 

George. I see. You will continue to live down here — in spite 
of what you said just now about the — the immorality of it. 

Olivia (surprised). But what is there immoral in a widow living 
alone in a big country house — with perhaps the niece of a dear 
friend of hers — staying with her to keep her company. 

George (sarcastic). Oh, and pray what shall I be doing when 
you've so very kindly taken possession of my house for me ? 

Olivia. You ! Oh, I can't think ! Travelling, I expect. 

George (indignant and advancing to her). Thank you I And 
■uppose I refuse to be turned out of my own house ? 

Olivia. Then, seeing that we can't both be in it, it looks as 
though you'd have to turn me out. (To herself.) There must be 
legal ways of doing these things. You'd have to consult your solicitor 
again. 

George. Legal ways ? 

Olivia. Well, you couldn't just throw me out, could you t 
You'd have to get an injunction against me 

(George, very annoyed, turns away.) 

—or prosecute me for trespass — or something. Of course I shouldn't 
go if I could help it, I like the house so much. ... It would make 
an awfully unusual case, wouldn't it ? The papers would be full 
of it. 

George. The papers ? 

Olivia (calling as paper boy). Extra special 1 Widow of well- 
known ex-convict takes possession of J.P.'s house ! Special I 
Special ! 

George (angrily). I've had enough of this. (Coming to table 
L.c. and speaking across.) Do you mean all this nonsense ? 

Olivia. Well, what I do mean is, that I am in no hurry to go 
up to London and get married. I love the country just now, and 
— (with a sigh) — after this morning, I'm — rather tired of husbands. 

George (in a rage). I've never heard so much — damned (bangs 
table) . . . nonsense in my life. I will leave you to come back to 
your senses. 

(He goes out, up staircase up r.) 

(Olivia rises and crosses to centre, watching George off. She kisses 
her hands to him, then turning to L. sees curtains and work-box and 
extending her arms in ecstasy goes to cabinet, takes them up and 
comes down l. Olivia sits on settee with curtains in her lap 
and places the work-box to her L. on settee, and as she does so Mr. 



64 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Aon ITL 

Pim enters from up R. through windows and coming to B. of writing' 
table taps it with his umbrella to attract, Oliyia'3 attention. Sheturns 
and sees him. He looks nervoudy round at staircase R. fearing the 
return of George.) 

Pim (in a whisper). Er — may I come in, Mrs. Mardenf 

Olivia (in surprise). Mr. Pim ! 

Pim (anxiously and again looking round at staircase). Mr. Marden 
is — er — not here ? 

Olivia (getting up). No ! Do you want to see Mm ? I will > 

Pim (another look round at stair and moving down centre). 

No, no, no ! Not for the world. There is no immediate danger of 
his returning, Mrs. Marden ? 

Olivia (surprised). No, I don't think so, Mr. Pim, (Puts down 
curtains). But . . . what is it ? You • 

Pim. I took the liberty of return i ng by the window in the hope 
of finding you alone. 

Olivia (sitting again). Yes ? 

Pim (still rather nervous and thro-winy up Ms arms in distress). 
Mr. Marden will be so angry with me, and very rightly. Oh, I 
blame myself. I blame myself entirely. T don't know how I 
can have been so stupid. (Sits on stool L.c. very concerned). 

Olivia. What is it, Mr. Pim ? My first husband hasn't come to 
life again, has he 1 

Pim. No ! No ! No ! (Looking round to r. and speaking very 
mysteriously across table L.c.) The fact is — his name was Polwittle. 

Olivia (at a loss). Whose ? My husband's \ 

Pim. Yes, yes. Henry Polwittle, poor fellow. 

Olivia. But my husband's name was Telworthy. 

Pm. No ! Oh dear, no ! Polwittle. [firmly.) It came back 
to me suddenly just as I reached the gate — Henry Polwittle, poor 
fellow. 

Olivia. But really, Mr. Pim, I ought to know. 

Ptm. No ! No ! Polwittle. 

Olivia. But who is Polwittle ? 

PtM (in surprise at her stupidity). The man I told you about, who 
met with the sad fatality at Marseilles. Henry Polwittle. . . . (With 
hand on chin, thinking deeply.) Or was it Ernest ? No ! Henry 
Polwittle, poor fellow. 

Olivia (indignantly). But, Mr. Pim, you said his name waa 
Telworthy. How could you ? 

Pim. Oh, I blame myself, I blame myself entirely. 

Olivia. But how could you think of a name like Telworthy tt 
It wasn't Telworthy ? 

Pim (eagerly). Ah, ah, that is the really interesting thing about 
the whole matter. 

Olivia (reproachfully). Yes, Mr. Pim, all your visits here to-day 
have been very interesting. 



Act m.] MB. PBI PASSES BY. 68 

Pun. Oh, very interesting, very interesting. You see, Mrs. 
Marden, when I made my first appearance here this morning I was 
received by — Miss Diana, who 

Olivia. Dinah 1 

Pim. I beg your pardon ? 

Olivia. Dinah. Her name is Dinah ! 

Pim (pauses). You're quite right. Dinah — oh yes. Miss Dinah, 
yes. She was in — er — rather a communicative mood, and I suppose 
by way of passing the time she mentioned that before your marriage — 
to Mr. Marden you had been a Mrs. — er 

Olivia. Telworthy. 

Pim. Telworthy, yes, of course. She also mentioned Australia. 
Now by some curious process of the brain — which strikes me as 
decidedly curious — when I was trying to recollect — the name of 
the poor fellow on the boat, whom you will remember I had also 
met in Australia, the fact that this other name was also stored in 
my memory, a name equally peculiar — this fact I say 

Olivia (seeing that the sentence is rapidly going to pieces). Yes, I 
quite understand. 

Pim. I blame myself, I blame myself entirely. 

Olivia. Oh, you mustn't do that, Mr. Pim. 

Pim. Oh, but, Mrs. Marden, can you forgive me for the needless 
distress I have caused you to-day ? 

Olivia. Oh, you mustn't worry about that. — please. 

Pim. And you will tell your husband — you'll break the news 
to him ? 

Olivia (amazed). Oh, yes ! I'll break the news to him. 

Pim (rising and holding out his hand). Well then, I think before 
he comes back I will say good-bye and — er 

Olivia (rising). Just a moment, Mr. Pim. Let us have it 
quite clear this time. You never knew my husband Jacob 
Telworthy ? 

Pim. No! 

Olivia. You never met him in Australia t 

Pim. No ! 

Olivia. You never saw him on the boat! 

Pim. No ! 

Olivia. And nothing whatever happened to him at Mar- 
seilles ? 

Pim. No ! 

Olivia. Is that right? 

Pim (hesitating and thinking it out very deeply). I think so. 

Olivia. Very well, then, since his death was announced in 
Australia six years ago, he is presumably still dead ? 

Pim. Undoubtedly. 

Olivia (holding out her hand with a charming smile). Then 
good-bye, Mr. Pim, and thank you so much for — for all your 
trouble. 



66 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act ILT. 

Pim. Not at all, Mrs. Harden. I blame myself, I blame myself 
entirely. 

Olivia. Oh ! you mustn't do that. 

(Going up centre Pim meets Dinah, who enters from the window up 
L., crosses at back of writing-table and comes down, R. of him.) 

(Dinah is followed by Brian, who is on her R.) 

Dinah. Hullo, there's Mr. Pim. (To Brian.) 

Pim (nervously looking at the door in case Mr. Marden should come 
in). Yes, yes, I — er 

Dinah. Oh, Mr. Pim, you mustn't run away without even saying 
how-do-you-do ! Are you staying to tea ? 

Pim (looking off at staircase nervously). I'm afraid I 

Olivia. Mr. Pim has to hurry away, Dinah. You mustn't keep 
him. 

Dinah. Well, but you'll come back again ? 

Pm. I fear that I am only a passer-by, Miss — er — Dinah. 

Olivia. You can take Mr. Pim as far as the gate. 

Pim (gratefully to Olivia). Thank you. (With nervous look at 
staircase R., he edges towards the windows.) If you would be bo kind, 
Miss Dinah 

Dinah (taking his arm). Come along then, Mr. Pim. 

Brian. I'll catch you up. 
, Dinah (taking him up l.). I want to hear all about your first 
wife. 

Pm. Oh, but I haven't got a first wife. 

Dinah. You haven't really told me anything yet. 

(They go off up L.) 

Brian. I'll catch you up. 

(Olivia resumes her work, and Brian crosses down to foot of table l.o., 
and sits on it.) 

Brian (awkwardly). I just wanted to say, if you don't think 
it cheek, that I'm — I'm on your side, if I may be and if I can help 
you at all, I shall be very proud of being allowed to. 

Olivia (looking up at him and taking his hand). Brian, you dear, 
that's sweet of you. But it's quite all right now, you know. 

Brian. What ? 

Olivia. Yes, that's what Mr. Pim came back to say. He'd 
made a mistake about the name 

Brian (rising). Good Lord ! (Backing c.) 

Olivia (smiling). George is the only husband I have. 

Brian (surprised). What ? You mean that the whole thing that 
Pim 

Olivia (repeating). The whole thing. 

Brian (crossing up to window B. and shouting off to L. and with 
conviction). Silly ass 1 



Act m.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 57 

Olivia (kindly). Oh, no, no, I'm sure he didn't mean to be. 
(After a pause.) Brian, do you know anything about the law ? 

Brian {corning down a). The law ? I'm afraid not. I hate the 
law. Why ? (Sits at foot of table l.c.) 

Olivia. Well, I was just wondering. Suppose that George and 
I had accidentally married each other a second time thinking that 
the first marriage wasn't quite right, and then we found the first 
marriage was all right — well 

Brian. What on earth do you mean ? 

Olivia. Well, what I mean is that there's nothing wrong b 
marrying the same person twice ? 

Brian (rising and moving to centre, thinking it out). Oh, no. A 
hundred times if you like, I should think. 

Olivia. Oh ! 

Brian. After all, in France they always go through it twice, 
don't they ? Once before the Mayor or somebody, and once in 
church. 

Olivia. Of course they do ! How silly of me. You know, 
that's a very good idea. They ought to do that more in England. 

Brian. Well, once will be enough for Dinah and me, if you 
can work it. (Anxiously.) D'you think there's any chance, 
Olivia ? 

Olivia (smiling). Every chance, dear. 

Brian (coming to above table l.c). I say, do you really ! Have 
70U squared him ? I mean has he 

(George is heard humming the tune of " Pop goes the weasel " off r.) 

Olivia. You go and catch them up now. We'll talk about it 
later on. 
Brian. Bless you. Right-o I 

(Going up L. and off up L.) 

(As he goes out by the windows, George comes in at the doors r. 
George stands r.c, and then turns to Olivia, who it- absorbed in her 
curtain. He walks up and down the room, fidgeting with things, 
waiting for her to speak. As she says nothing, he begins to talk 
himself, but in an obviously unconcerned way. There is a pause 
after each answer of hers, before he gets out his next remark.) 

George (casually). Good-looking fellow, Strange. What ? 

Olivia (equally casually). Brian, yes, isn't he % And such a nice 
boy. 

George. Yes, yes ! (Catching sight of curtain she is sewing. 
Hums the tune of " Pop goes the weasel " — crossing down r. to piano, 
plays a few notes of Pop goes the weasel " with one finger.) Got 
fifty pounds for a picture the other day, didn't he ? (Moving up 
stage a little.) 

Olivia. Ah, yes 1 Of course he has only just begu n 



68 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Ao* IH. 

Georob. The critics think well of him. (Slight pause.) What ? 

(Up C. by chair front of writing-table.) 

Olivia. They all say he has genius. Oh, I don't think there's 
any doubt about it. (Pause.) 

(George left of writing-table.) 

George. No, no ! (Slight pause, and he sings again.) Of course 
I don't profess to know anything about painting, myself. 

Olivia. You've never had time to take it up, dear. 

George (coming down l. a little.) No ! No ! Of course I know 
what I like. Can't say I see much in this new-fangled stuff. If 
a man can paint, why can't he paint like — like Rubens, or — or 
Reynolds, or 

Olivia. I suppose we all have our own styles. Brian will be 
finding his, directly. Of course, he's only just beginning. (Pause.) 

George (crossing up centre). Yes, yes. But the critics think a 
lot of him, what ? 

Olivia. Oh, yes. 

George. Yes 1 H'm ! (Pause.) Good-looking fellow. 

(There is rather a longer silence this time. George coming round 
back of settee l. continues to hope that he is appearing casual and 
unconcerned — he stands looking at Olivia's work for a moment.) 

George (down l.). Nearly finished 'em ? 

Olivia. Very nearly. (Smiling to herself, turns away to B., 
pretending to look for scissors.) Have you seen my scissors any- 
where ? 

George (looking round). Scissors ? 

Olivia (turns to l. and finds them in her work-box). It's all right, 
here they are 

George (down l. below chair facing Olivia). Where are you 
thinking of hanging 'em ? 

Olivia (as if really wondering). I don't quite know. ... I 
had thought of this room, but — I'm not quite sure. 

George (crossing below Olivia to centre). Ah 1 Yes ! Brighten 
the room up a bit. 

Olivia. Yes. 

George (walking up centre a little towards windows). H'm, yes— — 
They are a bit faded. 

' Olivia (shaking out hers, and looking at them critically). You 
know, sometimes I think I love them, and sometimes I'm not quite 
sure. 

George. Best way is to hang 'em up and see how you like 'em. 
Always take 'em down again. 

Olivia. Oh, that's a good idea, George. 

George. Best way. 



Act m.] MR. PIM PASSES BY. 69 

Olivia. Yes. ... I think we might try that — (looking round 
at settee and carpets, etc.) — the only thing is (She hesi- 
tates.) 

George. What ? 

Olivia. Well, the carpets and the chair-covers and the cushions 
and things 

George. Well, what about 'em ? 

Olivia. Well, if we had new curtains 

George. You'd want a new carpet, eh ? 

Olivia (doubtfully). Well, new chair-covers, anyhow, 

George. H'm ! . . . Well, why not ? 

Olivia. Oh, but 

George (with an awkward laugh). We're not so hard up as all 
that, you know. 

Olivia (quickly). No, I don't suppose we are really — — 

George. No, no, no, yes — I mean no. 

Olivia (thoughtfully). I suppose it would mean that I should 
have to go up to Loudon to choose them. You know, that's rather 
a nuisance. 

George (extremely casta wing towards Olivia). Oh, I don't 

know. We might go up together one day. 

Olivia. Well, of course if we were up — for anything else 

George (moving away dubioudy). Yes, yes ! That's what I 
meant. 

(There is another silence. George is wordrri g whether to come to 
closer quarters with the greet quc.tion.) 

Olivia. Oh, by the way, George 

George. Yes ? 

Olivia (innocently). I told Brian, and of course he'll tell Dinah, 
that Mr. Pirn had made a mistake about the name. 

George (astonished, moving towards Olivia). Mistake about tlie 
name ? 

Olivia. Yes — I told Brian that the whole thing was a mistake, 
I thought that was the simplest way. 

George. Olivia — (cro>'i< g below and to her l.) — then you meaa 
that Brian and Dinah think that — that we have been married ali 
the time ? 

Olivia. Yea. 

George (coming closer to her). Olivia, does that mean that you 
are thinking of marrying me ? 

Olivia. At your old registry office I 

George (eagerly). Yes I 

Olivia. To-morrow ? 

George. Yes. 

Olivia. Do you want me to very much t 

George. My darling, you know I do. 

Olivia. We should have to keep it very quiet, George. 



60 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Act m. 

George. Well, of course — (sitting to her l.) — nobody need know. 
We don't want anybody to know. And now tbat you've put Brian 
and Dinah off tbe scent by telling them that — (he breaks off and says 
admiringly) — that was very clever of you, Olivia. I should never 
have thought of that. 

Olivia (innocently). George — you don't think it was wrong, do 
you ? 

George (his verdict, talcing her hands < nd patting them). An 
innocent deception . . . perfectly harmless. 

Olivia. Yes, dear, that was what I thought about — about — 
(laughing to herself) what I was doing. 

George. Then you will come up to London to-morrow % 

(She nods.) 

And if we should see a carpet or anything else we want 

Olivia. Oh, George I 

George (beaming, rising and backing away to L. a little). And 
lunch at the Carlton, what ? 

Olivia (nodding eagerly). Oh! 

George. And — and a bit of a honeymoon in Paris 1 

Olivia. Oh, what fun ! 

George (hungrily). Give me a kiss, old girL 

Olivia (lovingly). George I 

(She holds up her cheek to him. He kisses it, and then suddenly takes 
her in his arms.) 

George. Don't ever leave me, old girl. 
Olivia (affectionately). Don't ever send me away, old boy. 
George (fervently). I won't. (Awkwardly.) I — I don't think 
I should have really, you know. I — I 

(Dinah enters from up l. and crosses at back of writing-table and 
round down r. Brian follows her.) 

Dinah (seeing the embrace, surprised). Oo — I say I 

(George looks and feels rather a fool.) 

George. Hallo I 

(Olivia sits, resumes sewing.) 

Dinah (coming down centre and going below settee L., impetuously 
to him). Give me one, too, George. Brian won't mind. 

George (formally, but enjoying it). Do you mind, Mr. Strange ! 

Brian (a little uncomfortable). Oh, I say, sir 

George. We'll risk it, Dinah. (He kisses her.) 
Dinah (triumphantly to Brian and standing above George). Did 
you notice that one 1 That wasn't just an ordinary affectionate 



Act ni.] MR PIM PASSES BY. 61 

kiss. That was a special " bless you my children " one. (To 
oe.) Wasn't it? 

Olivia. You do talk nonsense, darling. 

Dinah (crossing quickly below and to r. of Brian). Well, I'm so 
happy now that Pirn has relented about your first husband 

(George caicues Olivia's eye and smiles ; she smiles back ; but they 
are different smiles.) 

George (the actor). Yes, yes, stupid fellow, Pirn, what? 

Brian. Yes. Absolute idiot, I think ! 

Dinah. And now that George has relented about — (with a 
significant look at Brian) — my first husband 

George. Here, you get on much too quickly. (Crossing below 
Olivia to Brian.) So you want to marry my Dinah, eh ? 

Brian (with a smile). Well, I do rather, sir. 

George (to Brian). Well, you'd better have a talk with me about 
it — er — (with a sly look at Olivia) — Brian. 

Brian. Thank you very much, sir. 

(George goes up and Brian, imitating his walk, accompanies him.) 

George. Well, come along then. (Brian looks at his watch.) I 
am going up to town after tea, so we'd better 

Dinah (moving up to r. of Brian). I say, are you going to 
London ? 

George (with a sly look at Olivia). Yes, a little business. 

Dinah (cheekily). Eh ? 

George. Never you mind, young woman. (To Brian.) Como 
along, we'll stroll down and look at the pigs. 

Brian. Right-o 1 

(They are going off to l. when Olivia calls.) 

Olivia. George, don't go too far away ; I may want you. 
George. All right 1 I'll be out on the terrace. Give me a shout 
If you want me. 

(George and Brian go off at windows up l.) 

(Dinah follows up r. and watches them off.) 

Dinah (watching them off). Brian and George always discuss mo 
in front of the pigs. So tactless of them. I say, are you going 
to London, too, darling ? (Coming down to table l.c.) 

Olivia. To-morrow (Rising and shaking out curtains.) 

Dinah. What are you going to do in London ? 

Olivia. Oh, shopping and — one or two little things. 

Dinah. With George ? 

Olivia. Yes. (Crossing up centre below Dinah with curtains.) 



02 MR. PIM PASSES BY. [Acw IIL 

Dinah (sits on table L.c). I say, wasn't it lovely about Pirn! 

Olivia. Lovely ? 

Dinah. Yes, he told me all about it. Making such a hash of 
things, I mean. 

Olivia (innocently). Did he make a hash of things ? 

Dinah. Well, I mean keeping on coming like that. And if you 
look at it all round — well, for all he had to say, he needn't have 
come at all. 

Olivia. Well, I don't think I should put it quite like that, Dinah. 

Dinah (referring to curtains). I say, aren't they jolly ? 

Olivia. I'm so glad everybody likes them. Tell George I'm 
ready, dear. 

Dinah. I say, is he going to put them up for you ? 

Olivia. Well, I thought perhaps he could reach better. 

Dinah. All right, I'll tell him. (Crossing up l. on to terrace 
and calling off.) George ! (Returning to back l. end of writing-table.) 
Brian is just telling George about the five shillings he has in the Post 
Office — (crossing up l. on to terrace again and calling off.) George 1 1 

George (from off l.). Coming ! 

Dinah (playfully coming down centre, imitating a fairy's footsteps). 
Slow music while the curtains go up. (Sits at piano and plays " As 
I passed by your Window") 

(George enters from up l., followed by Brian.) 

George (to Olivia). What is it, darling ? 
Olivia. I wish you'd help me to put up these curtains t 
George. Of course, dear. I'd better get the library steps. 
(Crosses to doors r. and exits.) 

(Brian goes quickly to Olivia and gratefully kisses her hand, then 
comes down to Dinah and bows to her.) 

Brian. Madam ! I have the honour to inform you that hence- 
forward you are at liberty to regard me as your affianced husband. 

Dinah (rising quickly and advancing). Darling ! 

Brian (waving her back). No ! No 1 Stay there 1 (She retreats 
and sits at piano.) Go on playing. 

(Dinah goes on playing and he takes out a sketch-book, sits on settee 
and sketches her.) 

Dinah. What is it ? 

(Olivia comes down centre, watching them.) 

Brian. Portrait of Lady Strange. 

(George enters from doors r. with steps and crossing up r. places 
them near r. window.) 

Olivia (*&s hands him the curtains and goes up l. of writing- 
ilable and round back, watching George). Are you read dear t 



Aor in.] MR. PDI PASSES BY. 63 

George (mounting the steps). Yes, quite ready. 

Olivia. There ! (The curtains become entangled and "he nearly 
falls.) Oh, take care, dear ! 

George (again mounting steps). Oh, that's all right, dear. They're 
a little long. (The curtains become entangled round his head.) 

(Mr. Pdi enters mysteriously from up l.) 

(Olivia is looking up at George.) 

(Pim touches her on the shoulder end with a start she turns to him. 
Dinah seeing him enter stops playing. Olivia, unwilling to attract 
George's attention, signals to Dinah to continue playing, and she 
does so.) 

Pim. Mrs. Marden 1 I had to come back — I've just remembered 
his name was Ernest Polwittle — not Henry ( (Going off wp l.) 
Not Henry 1 

(Dinah plays forte.) 
Quick. Curtaes, 



*9 




SCENE PLOT 

Oat panelled chamber, with deep decorative frieze. 

Ceiling cloth, painted with carved oak beams. 

Fireplace. — Large open stone fireplace decorated all over with fluting* and 

carved stone. 
Doors. — Heavy oak doors down r. to open off. 

Windows. — C. windows (French windows) opening on stage from terrace. 
Stairs. — Stairs up back b. with carved balustrade. Transparent windows 

stained glass at top of stairway. 
Back cloth. — Painted garden and terrace with stone seat o. 

PROPERTY PLOT 

ACT I 

Stage cloth down. — Parquette stage cloth with marble pavement piece attached 

at back for terrace. 
Persian carpet laid up and down B. 
Pers%an carpet laid up and down L. 

Settee set across down L. (Jacobean settee upholstered in tapestry). 
On seHee h. 

Two tapestry cushions. 
Occasional Jacobean table to B. of settee down L. 
Stool. — Upholstered in rose r. of table. 

Semi-grand piano, with keyboard down stage, down b. below double doors. 
On piano. — Dinah's musical instrument. 

Silk pink brocade piano cover. 

Photo of Olivia in frame. 

Photo of George Marden in frame. 

Photo of Dinah in frame. 

Photo of Brian in frame. 

E.P. mirror. 

Blue china bowl containing flowers. 

Quantity of music. 
Occasional Jacobean chair. — Below piano. 
Settee (small Queen Anne cane-backed) upholstered in tapestry set up and 

down stage against and to L. of piano. 
Cushion — dark gold brocade — on settee. 
Table (occasional Jacobean) above settee to L. of piano. 
On table. — Illustrated papers. 

Rose-coloured piece of brocade. 
Chair (occasional Jacobean with rose-coloured squab) L. of occasional table 

above settee. 
Sideboard (Jacobean) up R. against back wall. 
On sideboard. — Metal bowl (with flowers). 

Match stand. 

Matches (safety). 

Ash tray. 

Tobacco jar filled. 

George's pipe filled. 

Photo in frame. 

Cigarette box (with cigarettes). 

Vase lamp with shade. 

6f 



66 MR. PIM PASSES BY. 

Arm-chair (Jacobean with rose-coloured squab). — L. of sideboard facing out 

of windows. 
Curtains. — Pair of rose-coloured corduroy curtains with tie backs for centre 
windows. 
Single rose-coloured corduroy curtain for archway up b. hung on up 
stage side of arch. 
Stairs. — Painted canvas staircloth. 

Brass stair rods. 
Occasional chair (Jacobean with rose-coloured squab). — L. of windows and 

against back wall. 
Table (occasional Jacobean). — Up L. against back wall. 

On table. — Metal bowl containing pink azalea plant in pot. 
Writing-table. — In front and below c. windows (leather topped). 
On writing-table. — Specimen glass with flowers. 
Writing materials. 
Matches in stand. 
Ash tray. 

Paper and pen rack. 
Small bookcase. 
Arm-cliaii (Jacobean) below writing-table O. 

Large cabinet (Jacobean Court cupboard) with three cupboard doors and oil 
short legs — up L. against L. wall above fireplace. 
In cupboard. — Very pronounced yellow and black curtains with webbing 

arranged for Olivia to stitch on rings. 
Work-box for Olivia containing needles, thread, quantity of rings, scissors. 
On top of cupboard. — Metal bowl with palm in pot. 

Pair of scissors (extra as an emergency for Brian's business). 
Large glass with flowers. 
Waste-paper basket. — To l. of writing-table. 
Fireplace (l.). — Brass dogs and antique fire tongs. 

Combined brass switch and bell pushes on wall down L. below fireplace. 
Brass spill-box above bell pushes on wall L. below fireplace. 
Table (small Jacobean round cane topped) in angle of fireplace and wall down 
l. below fireplace. 
On table. — Match stand and matches (safety). 
Ash tray. 
Arm-chair (Jacobean with rose-coloured squab) down L. and to E. of circular 

table L. facing up stage. 
Pictures on walls. — Picture in gold frame on wall down B. 
Picture in gold frame on wall above double doors a 
Picture in gold frame B. of b. wall at back. 
Picture in gold frame L. of B. wall at back. 
Picture in gold frame B. of l. back wall. 
Picture in gold frame L. of L. back wall. 

Hand Pbopebtik3. 
Off B. — Card salver and card for Anne. 

Letter in envelope unstamped on salver. 

Letter in envelope stamped for Mr. Pirn. 

Letter in envelope not stamped for George Marden. 

Gentleman's visiting oard (Mr. Garraway Pirn) for Qebrgt Marden. 

ACT n 

Same Scene and ProptrtitM. 

Dinah's small guitar on piano. 
**. (Z light green canvas camp chain. 
£*^ on •] 2 green and white striped camp chairs. 
Terrace ^p i ( jj n g oam p table with green baize top* 
Curtains refolded and placed in cupboard Left. 



MR. PIM PASSES BY. 67 

Hand Properties. 

{Large double handled E.P. tray. 
6 coffee cups (coloured for coffee) and saucers. 
5 coffee spoons. 
Sugar basin with sugar. 
Small hunting crop for Lady Harden. 
Thick leather gloves for Lady Harden. 
Cigarette case for Brian. 

ACT m 

Same Set and Furniture as Act H. 
Off b. — Pair of short library steps (for Georje Harden). 

ELECTRIC PLOT 

Chandelier (o.). — Jacobean bronze 6-light chandelier hanging centre ffOt 

lighted. 
Brackets on walls. 

One on wall down L. 

One each side of back wall between windows and staircase a. 

One each side of back wall between windows and wall l. 

All above pictures, not lighted. 
Fire in fireplace, not lighted. 
Lengths. — Length in stairway, amber and white. 

Length in entrance by double door down E» 
Foots. — Amber and white. 
Battens. — Ceiling batten, amber and white. 

No. 5 batten, amber and white. 
4r«-2 perch arcs o.p.1^^ amber and f^ 

2 perch arcs p.s. ) ° 

No. 1 o.p. flood stage down L.O. 

No. 2 o.p. on settee down r. 

No. 1 p.s. on settee l. 

No. 2 p.s. on stool and flood 0. 
Flood Arcs. — Two flood arcs on back cloth L. and R. 

Flood arc on transparency windows above stairs R. 

Focus arc through windows c, l. of windows of writing-table and dooa 
down r. into room. Sunlight effect. 
To open — All lights full up and remain for Acta L II and Hi, 



NOT SO LONG AGO 

Comedy in a Prologue, 3 acts, and Epilogue. By Arthur 
Richman. 5 males, 7 females. 2 interiors, 1 exterior. 
Costumes, 1876. Plays a full evening. 

Arthur Richman has constructed his play around the Cinderella 
legend The playwright has shown great wisdom in his choice 
of material, for he has cleverly crossed the Cinderella theme 
with a strain of Romeo and Juliet. Mr. Richman places his 
young lovers in the picturesque New York of forty years ago 
This time Cinderella is a seamstress in the home of a social 
climber, who may have been the first of her kind, though we 
doubt it. She is interested sentimentally in the son of this house. 
Her father, learning of her infatuation for the young man without 
learning also that it is imaginary on the young girl's part, starts 
out to discover his intentions. He is a poor inventor, rne 
mother of the youth, ambitious chiefly for her children, shud- 
ders at the thought of marriage for her son with a sewing-girl. 
But the Prince contrives to put the slipper on the right foot and 
the end is happiness. The play is quaint and agreeable and the 
three acts are rich in the charm of love and youth. (Royalty, 
twenty-five dollars.) P rice > 75 Cents - 

THE LOTTERY MAN 

Comedy in 3 acts, by Eida Johnson Young. 4 males, 
8 females. 3 easy interiors. Costumes, modern. Plays 
2*4 hours. 

In "The Lottery Man" Rida Johnson Young has seized upon 
a custom of some newspapers to increase their circulation by 
clever schemes. Mrs. Young has made the central figure in her 
famous comedy a newspaper reporter, Jack Wright. Wright owes 
his employer money, and he agrees to turn in one of the most 
eensational scoops the paper has ever known. His idea is to 
conduct a lottery, with himself as the prize. The lottery is an- 
nounced. Thousands of old maids huy coupons. Meantime Wright 
falls in love with a charming girl. Naturally he fears that he 
may be won by someone else and starts to get as many tickets 
as "his limited means will permit. Finally the last day is an- 
nounced. The winning number is 1323, and is held by Lizzie, 
an old maid, in the household of the newspaper owner. Lizzie 
refuses to give up. It is discovered, however, that she has stolen 
the ticket. With this clue, the reporter threatens her with arrest. 
Of course the coupon is surrendered and Wright gets the girl of 
his choice. Produced at the Bijou Theater, New York, wita 
great success. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. 



SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City 
Our Now Catalogue Will Be Sent ou Receipt of Five Cenla. 



KICK IN 



Flay in 4 acts. By Willard Mack. 7 males, 5 females. 
2 interiors. Modern costumes. Plays 2*4 hours. 

"Kick In" is the latest of the very few available mystery 
plays. Like "Within the Law," "Seven Keys to Baldpate," 
"The Thirteenth Chair," and "In the Next Room," it is one 
of those thrillers which are accurately described as "not having 
a dull moment in it from beginning to end." It is a play with 
all the ingredients of popularity, not at all difficult to set or to 
act ; the plot carries it along, and the situations are built with 
that skill and knowledge of the theatre for which Willard Mack 
is known. An ideal mystery melodrama, for high schools and 
colleges. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. 



TILLY OF BLOOMSBURY 

(' ' Happy-Go-Lucky. ") A comedy in 3 acts. By Ian 
Hay. 9 males, 7 females. 2 interior scenes. Modern 
dress. Plays a full evening. 

Into an aristocratic family comes Tilly, lovable and youthful, 
with ideas and manners which greatly upset the circle. Tilly 
is so frankly honest that she makes no secret of her tre- 
mendous affection for the young son of the family; fhis brings her 
into many difficulties. But her troubles have a joyous end in 
charmingly blended scenes of sentiment and humor. This comedy 
presents an opportunity for fine acting, handsome stage settings, 
and beautiful costuming. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) 

Price, 75 Cents. 



BILLY 

Farce-comedy in 3 acts. By George Cameron. 10 males, 
5 females. (A few minor male parts can be doubled, mak- 
ing the cast 7 males, 5 females.) 1 exterior. Costumes, 
modern. Plays 2 1 /± hours. 

The action of the play takes place on the S. S. "Florida," 
bound for Havana. The story has to do with the disappearance of 
a set of false teeth, which creates endless complications among 
passengers and crew, and furnishes two and a quarter hours of 
the heartiest laughter. One of the funniest comedies produced in 
the last dozen years on the American stage is "Billy" (some- 
times called "Billy's Tombstones"), in which the late Sidney 
Drew achieved a hit in New York and later toured the country 
several times. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 75 Cents. 



SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New Tork City 
Ow New Catalogue Will Be Sent on Uee<ipt of Five Cent*. 



ARE YOU A MASON? 

Farce in 3 acts. By Leo Ditrichstein. 7 males, 7 i& 
aiales. Modern costumes. Plays 2*4 hours. 1 interior. 

"Are Ton a Mason!" is one of those delightful farces like 
"Charley's Aunt" that are always fresh. "A mother and s 
daughter," says the critic of the New York Herald, "had hus- 
bands who account for absences from the joint household on 
frequent evenings, falsely pretending to be Masons. The men 
do not know ^ch other's duplicity, and each tells his wife of 
having advanced to leadership in his lodge. The older woman 
was so well pleased with her husband's supposed distinction in 
the order that she made him promise to put up the name of a 
visiting friend for membership. Further perplexity over the 
principal liar arose when a suitor for his second daughter's hand, 
proved to be a real Mason. ... To tell the story of the play 
would require volumes, its complications are so numerous. It ic 
a house of cards. One card wrongly placed and the whole thing- 
would collapse. But it stands, an example of remarkable in- 
genuity. You wonder at the end of the first act how the fun 
can be kept up on such a slender foundation. But it continues 
and grows to the last curtain." One of the most hilariously 
amusing farces ever written, especially suited to schools and 
Masonic Lodges. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price, 7* Cent*. 

KEMPY 

A delightful comedy in 3 acts. By o. C. Nugent »ndj 
Elliott Nugent. 4 males, 4 females. 1 interior throughout, 
Costumes, modern. Plays 2% hours. 

No wonder "Kempy" has been such a tremendous hit in New 
*ork, Chicago — wherever it has played. It snaps with wit and 
oumor of the most delightful kind. It's electric. It's small< 
sown folk perfectly pictured. Pull of types of varied sorts, each 
one done to a turn and served with zestful sauce. An ideal 
entertainment, for amusement purposes. The story is about a high- 
falutin* daughter who in a fit of pique marries the young plumber- 
architect, who come- to fix the water pipes, just because ho 
'understands" hr having read her book and having sworn to 
marry the authoress But in that story lies all the humor that 
.ept the audience laughing every second of every act. Of course 
there are lots of ramifications, each of which bears its own brand 
of laughter-making potentials. But the plot and the story are 
not the main things. There is, for instance, the work of the 
company. The fun growing out of this family mixup is lively and 
clean. (Royalty, twenty-five dollars.) Price 75 Cent*. 



S \MUBL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York City 
Our New ( ataloifue WM Be Kent on Receipt mt Flv» 



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